There are cooperative co-parents, there are high-conflict co-parents, and there are gradients in between; however, I would not say there are very many gradients in between. Everyone can tolerate a few communication problems, visitation mix-ups, and grumpy or fickle moods.
Most separated or divorced parents I have dealt with can manage small to medium conflicts with success. The co-parents who have problems with one another have anger and hatred left over from the marriage or relationship that are brought into decision making regarding the children.
Frequently, the angry co-parents think along these lines:
She was a lousy spouse [partner], so therefore she is a bad coparent. Bad people do not make good parents, so anything I do to interfere with her relationship with my child is justifiable. After all, why should I let my child be influenced by a bad co-parent?
With this line of thought, co-parenting problems occur because one parent is always trying to seek what the other parent is trying to prevent—a relationship with the children. When both parents feel this way, there is usually an all-out war over who should control the children's lives. These are the worst cases.
The more conflict there is in a co-parenting relationship, the more likely it is that parents are struggling with leftover issues from the relationship that may have nothing to do with the children at all.
Strategies to Reduce Conflict
When co-parenting conflict is high, certain strategies can help minimize the stresses and strains that ultimately filter down to the children. Reducing that conflict is easier said than done, because it involves a number of behaviors that high-conflict co-parents are not willing to do. These behaviors include the following:
- Trying to trust your co-parent, who has shown himself to be untrustworthy in your eyes
- Giving kindness to and doing favors for your co-parent, who might not do the same in return
- Resisting the urge to seek revenge for wrongs that have been done to you
There is a kind of scorekeeping that goes on between co-parents who do not get along. This tallying extends to issues such as how many articles of clothing are at each parent's house to how many minutes of visitation need to be made up when one or the other parent is late. Notions of what is "fair" or "unfair" reflect what one parent gets for investment of money, time, or devotion to the children. In reality, what is fair to a parent with respect to minutes, or pairs of socks purchased, or dollars handed over in child support, or dollars owed but not received in child support, has little to do with the emotional health and welfare of a child, no matter how much you or your co-parent insist it does.
What matters to your children is growing up without having to make excuses for why their parents hate each other. What matters even more is that no child should feel forced to take sides in a conflict that they did not create.
You might disagree with all of this and argue that the effort your coparent makes to either pay child support or demand more child support than is deserved goes to the emotional health of the child. Of course it does, but on a relative scale it is overshadowed by what your child learns from seeing the two of you present a role model of hatred, disgust, disdain, disrespect, and intolerance toward one another.
For the purpose of this book you are either low conflict or high conflict. If any of what I've just described applies to you, you are high conflict. If you cannot make a decision with your co-parent without court intervention, you are high conflict. If you must rely on your attorney to communicate the simplest of your child's needs and requirements to your co-parent, you are high conflict.
High-conflict divorce hurts children socially, emotionally, academically, and physically. Now that you know that, I hope you'll do all you can to prevent it.
Quick Tip
Giving in on little issues isn't giving in—it's being smart enough to avoid a major confrontation that will earn you more aggravation and a possible trip to court later.
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From Smart Parenting During and After Divorce. Copyright © 2009 by Peter J. Favaro. All Rights Reserved. Used by arrangement The McGraw-Hill Companies
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