Smart Parenting During and After Divorce: How to Communicate with a Jerk

Avoid Questions to Avoid Arguments

If there is a single piece of advice I could give to parents who argue with their co-parent, it is this: Do not ask questions. Questions invite sarcastic answers, and sarcastic comments escalate conflict. Here is an example:

Co-parent A: How can you expect me to live if you won't pay me the money the court has ordered you to pay me?

Co-parent B: Why don't you shake down your lazy boyfriend for some money? I'm tired of giving him a free ride.

Here is another example:

Co-parent A: Do you want our son to grow up without a father? Is that what you are trying to do?

Co-parent B: A father? Is that what you were trying to be? I'm sorry, I must have blinked and missed that part.

Make Your Requests Nonthreatening

If you are trying to communicate something you need or something that must be done, do it with a short, nonthreatening request. Do not begin your request with the following phrases:

• I would like . . .
• I need . . .
• It is important that . . .
• I am upset . . .
• I am angry . . .
• You need to help me . . .
• You need to pay attention to . . .
• It is absolutely necessary that you . . .

All of these phrases invite responses that begin with phrases such as the following:

• What makes you think I care about what you would like . . .
• What makes you think I care about what you need—there are a lot of things I need that you don't care about . . .
• It may be important to you, but it isn't to me . . .
• If you are upset, then I am happy . . .
• If you are angry, that's too bad—try going to therapy . . .
• You need to help yourself . . .
• I need to pay attention to how to get you to stop bothering me . . .
• You may think that is necessary, but I don't . . .

If you give opportunities for sarcasm to your co-parent who does not want to engage in civilized discussion, the hostility will usually escalate and you'll fail to resolve the problem.

Another opening you should never give someone in an argument is What do you expect me to do? The almost universal answer to this question is I expect you to act like a human being.

Unfortunately, by this point in the conversation both parties are acting like human beings—and that is part of the problem. Many human beings do not know how to disagree in a civilized way.

Write a Note or E-mail Instead

When communication is poor, it is far better to communicate by writing a note in memo form, but only if you keep it short, businesslike, and neutral in tone. Here is an example:

TO: Michael

FROM: Jane

RE: Field trip to Washington, DC

The sixth-grade field trip to Washington, DC, will be held on Thursday, May 28th. Ben should attend, and the cost is $65. I will lay out the total, as it is due tomorrow. Please forward your half of this fee to me in the envelope provided.

If you are interested in attending as a class parent please contact Ms. Berger at 555-9876 by this Friday.

Thank you in advance.

There is no guarantee that the response to a note like this will be pleasant, nor is there any assurance that there will be a response at all, but it is possible. Be sure to always keep a copy of notes of this kind. Even if your co-parent's response isn't pleasant, notes like this will show that you were flexible and you provided the necessary information for the co-parent to participate as a class parent.

People arrive at the point of writing notes like this when face-to-face and phone conversations are nonproductive. Do not allow yourself to endure more than a few nasty conversations before you resort to this mode of communication. Hostile communications often escalate, and even when you can manage to get the last word in, they never make you feel good.

By writing e-mails, notes, and letters, you can choose your words more carefully and create a paper trail of your reasonable requests and your co-parent's unreasonable responses or lack of response. Often, people in conflict will not accept each other's mail. If that is the case, you may have to get your attorney to intervene.

E-mail communication can be just as damaging to the co-parenting relationship as verbal communication. Remember to mind your sarcasm and avoid the temptation to discuss multiple agendas in the same emails. Short and to the point is the rule here.

When All Else Fails, Let Your Attorney Handle the Communication

In the worst cases of hostile communication, it is best to have your attorney handle all communications. Taking yourself out of the loop is sometimes the only way to resolve issues that require communication and problem solving, while reducing your aggravation and negative experiences.

A word of caution: attorneys may not be altogether successful in communicating on your behalf if their style is to engage in aggressive letter writing campaigns to other attorneys. What often happens is that the attorneys who do not get along begin to fight and argue just as much as their clients. Consider the following pair of attorney correspondences:

Dear Mr. Belcher:

Your client's relentless abuse and harassment of my client is outrageous and uncalled for. I would question the professionalism of any attorney who would support such egregious and acrimonious conduct as to deny responsibility for paying for a young boy's field trip to our nation's capital. My client, who is merely steps away from being kicked out onto the street, demands payment of $32.50 for Ben's class trip to Washington.

Failure to remit within three business days will result in an immediate motion for contempt in front of Judge Jackson.

Yours truly,

Sidney Coffer, Esq.

Dear Mr. Coffer:

It is your professionalism that is questionable if you think that a motion before The Honorable Judge Jay Jackson will solve this problem. I will seek sanctions against you as well as legal fees if you engage in thousands of dollars in motion practice for the sake of a $32.50 fee.

In the first instance, my client never agreed to split the cost of school field trips with your client. In the second instance, your client has more money than my client or I will ever see in this and the next lifetime. Your characterization of her being "merely steps away from being kicked out onto the street" is typical of the kind of histrionic exaggerations you and your client so frequently enjoy engaging in. The simple answer to your demand is "No."

Yours truly,
Edwin Belcher, Esq.

If these represent the type of correspondence that is going back and forth in an effort to facilitate problem solving and communication, perhaps it is time to start thinking about finding an attorney who can get the job done without being snookered into an ego war with her colleagues.

Quick Tips

• Stay outside of the co-parent's home unless you are told that you are welcome to enter. Intruding on the co-parent's residence, even if it used to be your home too, is an aggressive action.
• Be the first one to end the argument. Give the co-parent the last word.
• Monitor your body language and your facial gestures. Angry body language and nonverbal behavior increase tension. Smile, for your kid's sake—it won't break your face.
• Respond to provocation by saying, "I don't want to fight. I'll be on my way in a minute." Then do what you came to do and move on.
• When you feel that your buttons are being pushed, understand that the sooner you get out of the situation, the sooner the hostile interaction ends.