Smart Parenting During and After Divorce: Moving and Relocating

It's widely thought that the three most stressful events that can happen in the life of a child are the death of a parent or close family member, divorce, and moving. If this is so, it would appear as though a move during or following a divorce would be adding insult to injury. Financial circumstances often determine the necessity of a move. Ability to survive and overall quality of life are certainly factors parents need to take into consideration.

There are, however, negative consequences for a child who is uprooted from family and friends needlessly because the custodial parent wants one of the following changes:

• To move closer to her new partner
• "A fresh start" far away from the noncustodial parent, despite the fact that the children enjoy spending time with that parent
• To separate the children from a parent out of malice or spite

Please remember that whenever you move a child outside of his school district you are forcing the child to adjust to new friends, new teachers, and new environments. These are sometimes the only measures of stability left in a child's life after parents divorce.

You might hear some say that children are resilient and adjust easily. This is true of only some children. Many children do not adjust easily and are frightened, saddened, or otherwise put off by change.

How the Move Will Affect Your Child's Relationship with Your Co-Parent

You must carefully consider changes in the children's pattern of contact with a noncustodial parent the children see regularly. Some parents who are separated by distance will try to replace the time the children are losing by adding more holiday and summer visitation. The math might work out the same, but the impact can still be very negative, especially if the noncustodial parent participated in school and extracurricular activities, was a coach for a sports team, or even had a regular weekend date with the child.

Sometimes divorced parents forget that the decisions they make create the psychological videotape that becomes their children's childhood memories. Is it better to have a few concentrated periods of contact with the noncustodial parent, or better to have weekend ice cream sundaes and all of the "little experiences" that form the basis of emotional memories that are more intimate and, in the long run, probably healthier psychologically? Usually it is the latter.

Many parents who move leave with the feeling that the children do not have much to gain by seeing the noncustodial parent on a regular basis. I believe this would be a very difficult thing to know with confidence. You would have to know what happens during every moment of your children's contact with the other parent; and to know this you would have to know what "really" happens as opposed to what your children say happens when they are there.