Smart Parenting During and After Divorce: Moving and Relocating

How the Move Will Affect Your Child's Relationship with Your Co-Parent

You must carefully consider changes in the children's pattern of contact with a noncustodial parent the children see regularly. Some parents who are separated by distance will try to replace the time the children are losing by adding more holiday and summer visitation. The math might work out the same, but the impact can still be very negative, especially if the noncustodial parent participated in school and extracurricular activities, was a coach for a sports team, or even had a regular weekend date with the child.

Sometimes divorced parents forget that the decisions they make create the psychological videotape that becomes their children's childhood memories. Is it better to have a few concentrated periods of contact with the noncustodial parent, or better to have weekend ice cream sundaes and all of the "little experiences" that form the basis of emotional memories that are more intimate and, in the long run, probably healthier psychologically? Usually it is the latter.

Many parents who move leave with the feeling that the children do not have much to gain by seeing the noncustodial parent on a regular basis. I believe this would be a very difficult thing to know with confidence. You would have to know what happens during every moment of your children's contact with the other parent; and to know this you would have to know what "really" happens as opposed to what your children say happens when they are there.

When You Are the Noncustodial Parent

If you are the noncustodial parent, and your children are moving away over your objections, it's important to avoid making your children feel bad about a decision they probably have very little to do with. This includes making them feel guilty and telling them that you will cry when you think about how far away they are. Instead, tell them that you will love them no matter where they live, and that, although you will miss them, you will do your best to call them, communicate with them, and see them. If you believe it is in their best interests, fight hard to have them stay nearby, but do not involve them directly in your struggles.

Know Whether a Move Is Legal

In the United States, no parent has the right to leave the jurisdiction of the court their case is in unless the other parent consents to the move or if there is a court order permitting it. I have worked on many cases where a poorly informed parent has packed up and moved to another state, only to be served with legal papers telling them they must return to their home state. This includes cases where the parent who has moved has, for all intents and purposes, been the only "real" parent in the child's life. One law that addresses the issue of moving is a federal law called the Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction Act (UCCJA).