Tips for Parents: Human Beings and Human 'Doings' - Considering the Impact of Parenting on Talent Development

Talent development is more than the simple unfolding of innate processes within children while parents look on. Parents, and other significant adults, have powerful influences on both the recognition and development of specific talents, on how far talents are pursued, and on the very experience children have of being talented. For many gifted children, the passion to learn and to grow is something parents can simply provide resources for and then stand out of the way. For others, things are more complex.

When you observe in your child talent that is not being pursued, what should you do? How do you encourage children to grow, without pushing them to the point of rebellion? What do you do when children don’t want to put in the effort necessary to pursue a talent? What about children whose only passion seems to involve something for which they have less-than-stellar potential? And what do you do when children want to devote energy to so many activities that they end up with no room for rest?

Answers to all of these questions involve adjustments in what one parent has artfully named the “nudge-to-support ratio.” The amount of either factor may differ, but nudging is always more well-received in an atmosphere of solid personal support. Whenever parents hope to alter the path that their children are on, whether to help them improve their performance in school or other areas, or to change the way they treat others, or to stick with agreements, or to follow the rules, it is abundantly clear that such things are best done in an atmosphere in which children feel accepted as people and affirmed for being who they are. Children who feel defective and unacceptable, and defensive and angry, will be more reluctant to change what they are doing; they will either fear that things will get worse, or they will defiantly seek to protect whatever sense of personal power they still have. It is important for parents to underscore that while they want their children to improve and be successful, they will love, cherish, and have pride in them even if the achievements do not come.

Make two important distinctions with your children:
           They are more than their talents and,
           They are more than their achievements.

Affirm your children, out loud, for who they are rather than for what they can do. Pats on the back, comments about what you like about them, thanking them for being there, are all messages of encouragement. Tell them, “You know I am thrilled with your intelligence; I sometimes worry that you will think that’s the only reason I love you. What do you think?”

This doesn’t mean you aren’t openly proud of your children’s accomplishments. Taking your child’s interests seriously is a part of taking your child seriously as a person. Knowing they have done a good job at something is one way they can feel good about themselves as people.

Accomplishments in any particular area, though, are supposed to be motivated by the love of doing, and by the sense of mastery and agency that achievements bring. Accomplishments motivated by the desire to please others, or the desire for recognition, or to fill out a resume, can be great accomplishments of course, but they bring with them a host of potential future problems, including ongoing anxieties about whether such accomplishments are good enough.

Talk to your children. In an atmosphere of mutual respect and acceptance, reasons for kids’ behavior can be explored, and decisions can be made, sometimes only provisionally or on a short-term basis, to try something new. The attempt to puzzle through problems constitutes the kind of mutual exploration that says you value their thoughts and you trust them to make an effort. Sometimes solutions cannot be found, though, and sometimes it is best to drop the issue and focus on strengthening relationships. You can then come back to the issues with different perspectives and a greater chance for change.

When there are choices to be made about which talent or passion to devote time to, keep in mind that there is rarely a correct answer. And remember that whichever choice is made, there will be a loss to grieve in addition to the excitement of a new focus. In an atmosphere of acceptance, support, and ongoing dialogue, it is possible to allow children to follow a passion, while helping them to understand real-world limitations of time, finances, and competing choices. This also makes it possible to be involved in your children’s lives without being intrusive and too-narrowly channeling their interests.

High standards are not a problem in and of themselves. The problems come when kids feel a need to meet these standards to prove a point, or to feel acceptable.

Talk with your spouse or partner. Disagreements about how to approach children, or about what they should be doing, can undermine support and lead to confusion and discouragement.

Look inside yourself for your own motives. Reflect on whether you are looking to repair or repeat in your children something from your own childhood.

Be careful when comparing yourself to other parents! It may seem that they are gliding along successfully, without the problems you have encountered, but unless you know them really (really) well, there may be difficulties you can’t see. These problems have no simple solutions. Decide what is best for you and your family, talk it over with them, try something out, and talk about how it is going. That way, you maximize the chance that your children will be successful as well as secure, fulfilled, validated, and cherished.