Perspectives on Discipline: The Power of Prevention

Research findings as well as my own observations about corporal punishment, argue that it is a counterproductive form of discipline that may actually reinforce the very behaviors parents wish to stop in their children. I know that many well-meaning parents may occasionally spank their children, but I believe there are more effective ways of helping children learn right from wrong and developing a social conscience.

I noted the work of Dr. Murray Straus, founder and co-director of the Family Research Lab at the University of New Hampshire in Durham and author of, “Beating the Devil Out of Them.” Dr. Straus observed, “In the last three years, we’ve had a revolution in our state of knowledge about spanking and violence. Spanking increases the probability of kids hitting other kids. It often leads to antisocial behavior like cheating and getting into trouble at school. When they are teenagers, these children are more likely to hit their parents. When they grow up, kids who have been spanked are more likely to hit their partners than kids who haven’t.”

I would devote this article to examining what I believe to be more effective forms of discipline. I plan to focus this article on the theme of prevention of disciplinary problems. 

I am frequently asked, “If spanking is ineffective and counterproductive, what do you consider to be one of the most productive approaches to discipline?” Similar to the real estate agent who when asked what is important when considering what house to purchase, responds, “Three things, location, location, location,” without hesitation I answer, “Prevention, prevention, and more prevention.” We must become increasingly proactive and less reactive when considering disciplinary problems. I believe that many instances of misbehavior on the part of children can be avoided if we anticipate and/or understand what may be contributing to these behaviors.

I would like to review four guidelines that are part of a prevention approach. I am not suggesting that if we follow these guidelines we will erase all misbehavior, but rather that adherence to these guidelines will lessen the occurrence of such behavior, minimize stress and tension in one’s household, and foster the development of self-discipline in our children. While what follows may seem to be obvious and commonsense parenting and teaching practices, they require continued reflection and practice.

1. Have realistic expectations for your children and anticipate situations that are likely to elicit misbehavior. In our new book “Raising Resilient Children,” Dr. Sam Goldstein and I offer many examples of the negative consequences that occur when parents have unrealistic expectations for their children. When we place the bar too high for our children, they are likely to feel pressure that often results in undesirable behaviors. To have realistic expectations requires that we recognize the unique strengths and vulnerabilities of our children and that we appreciate their developmental capabilities. Let’s look at a couple of examples of misbehavior that are rooted in unrealistic expectations.

Years ago my wife and I went to a lovely restaurant on a Saturday evening. It was the kind of restaurant in which one spends several hours enjoying a meal in a relaxed atmosphere. In other words, it was far removed from the frenetic pace of a fastfood restaurant. Shortly after we were seated, a couple came in with their son who appeared to be about four-years-old. I thought he was a little young for such an environment but I told myself not to be judgmental, reminding myself that every child is different (a basic message in all of my parenting workshops) and some children can manage places geared for adults.

I knew that my sons at that age as well as most other four-year-olds would probably have had difficulty in this restaurant. I am not suggesting that my sons were not well-behaved (I have to be careful what I write since they will probably read this article), but rather that sitting for several hours in one place as they wait for what seems like an inordinate amount of time for their meal was not in keeping with their temperament or developmental level when they were four years of age (to be honest, sometimes I have difficulty sitting for this length of time as an adult).