Parenting Solutions: Pessimistic

The Change to Parent For

Your child learns to tune in to his pessimistic views, counter them with a more positive outlook, and cope with everyday events with more optimistic beliefs.

Why Change?

"What's the point of trying? I'll never make the team." "It isn't worth the effort, I'm just going to flunk the test." "Why should I bother?"Heard any of these from your offspring lately? If so, you may be dealing with a pessimistic kid, and beware. Pessimistic children can be a frustrating breed. No matter what the experience, they have a preset "What's the point?" attitude. But the bigger problem is that their negative outlook can dramatically influence every arena in their world. They can give up easily, believe that nothing they do will make a difference, and assume they won't succeed. Then when they do achieve or do something well, they discount the accomplishment: "It wasn't that great." "It was just luck." Sadly, they rarely see the wonderful parts of life but dwell instead on the negative or bad, often including themselves. They are also often quick to find their own inadequacies: "I'm so dumb; why study?" "Nobody's going to like me; why bother?" "I'm not trying out. Who would pick me for their team?" If left unchecked, a pessimistic attitude can spiral into cynicism and criticism, and plant the seeds of underachievement and even depression.

Take heart: longitudinal studies at Penn State University find that parents can enhance their children's life outlook and even change their pessimistic views.³⁷ Helping your child make this change can have a huge impact on his potential for happiness. This entry offers proven solutions that help your child become more optimistic and hopeful about life.

Late-Breaking News

Penn State University: Research by Martin Seligman, former president of the American Psychological Association, found that helping kids become more optimistic and less cynical not only helps protect them from depression but also helps them to be less frequently depressed, more successful at school and on the job, better able to bounce back from adversity, and even physically healthier.³⁶ Seligman's work also found that optimism can be nurtured and pessimism can be reduced. And there is a critical reason to do so: a child born today is ten times more likely to be seriously depressed compared to a child born in the first third of this century. So how are you squelching pessimism in your kid? For more information, read Martin Seligman's wonderful book The Optimistic Child: A Revolutionary Program That Safeguards Children Against Depression and Builds Lifelong Resilience.

One Parent's Answer

A mom from Scottsdale shares:

My daughter was always positive, so when she suddenly became so negative about the world we were floored. We couldn't figure out where she was getting such a dismal view until one day we noticed her glued to the cable news stations. We'd encouraged her to watch the news to boost her knowledge of current events, but instead all those reports about war, global warming, and financial hard times were bumming her out. Once we prohibited her from watching, her sunnier disposition came back.

Pay Attention to This!

If your child's pessimistic outlook is a sudden change from his otherwise more optimistic nature, then take a closer look at what could be the cause. The following are some possibilities:

• Medication. Certain medications—both over-the-counter and prescription drugs—can bring on depression-like symptoms. Review with your pharmacist and doctor the side effects of any medication your child may be currently taking. Also check to make sure your prescriptions aren't being "borrowed" by your child or his friends.
• Substance abuse. For your older child, substance abuse, cold and cough syrup addiction, or steroids can also contribute to pessimism. Don't overlook this as a possibility.
• Traumatic event. Did a particular traumatic event (such as an accident, death of a loved one, fire, flood, parent's military deployment) beget this new life view? If so, seek the help of a counselor to ensure that your child's pessimism is not caused by posttraumatic stress or grief.
• Health or emotional issue. Pessimism can be a sign of more serious issues, such as physical health problems, anxiety, low self-esteem, trauma, or depression. If you think any of these more deeply engrained issues could be the cause, seek help from a trained professional.

Hint: if there is a recurring pattern in your child's pessimism, play detective. For instance, is he always gloomier on the first weekend of the month when he visits his elderly grandparents? Or on Mondays when he has a history test?

The Solution

Seven Strategies for Change

1. Check your attitude! Kids aren't born pessimistic, so where is your kid acquiring this attitude? From siblings? Friends? Neighbors? Relatives? Here are a few questions to help you consider if you are more optimistic or pessimistic in the way you handle those everyday events and if perhaps you just might be the source:

A tragic world event is flashed on TV: Do you say that there may well be a catastrophic outcome, or express your view that world leaders will be able to solve it?

You're dealt a big financial setback: Do you express your concerns that you will suffer severe losses that you might never recoup, or offer encouragement that you'll be able to make ends meet?

You and your best friend have a tiff: Do you blame your friend for causing the friction, or convey that the two of you will work things through and remain friends?

Your kid has a bad report card: Do you tell her not to worry because women in your family were never good in math, or brainstorm a plan to help improve her grade because you know she's capable?

An elderly friend is seriously ill: Do you express your concern that your friend may never recover, or state your belief that she'll improve because of her tough spirit and the excellent medical care she is receiving?

Make sure your responses to life events are ones you want your child to copy. Try to help your kids associate with people with more optimistic outlooks. Kids do pick up our attitudes.

2. Look for the positive. Start emphasizing a more optimistic outlook in your home so that your kid sees the good parts of life instead of the downside. Here are a few ways to look for the positive as a family:
   • Monitor what your kid watches and reads. A constant onslaught of gloomy news can have an impact on a kid's outlook. Tune in to those uplifting documentaries and inspiring movies. Focus on the good news happening in the world and share it with your kids.
   • Start "Good News" reports. Consider starting your dinner with a Good News Report in which each family member reports something positive that happened during the day. Cut out actual news stories from the paper and share them with your kids. Or institute a nighttime tradition of reviewing with your child the good parts about his day, sharing your highlights as well. Doing so is a precious way to spend the last waking hours with your kid, as well as to instill the habit of looking for the good in life.
   • Share optimistic stories. Look for examples of individuals who suffered enormous obstacles but didn't cave into pessimistic thinking and kept at their dreams. Share them with your kids. Here are a few: Beethoven's music teacher told him he was hopeless as a composer; Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team; Walt Disney went bankrupt and had nervous breakdowns; Louisa May Alcott was rejected by countless publishers who told her no one would ever read Little Women.
3. Confront pessimistic thinking. Many kids don't change their pessimistic ways because they are unaware of how often they are pessimistic. Psychologists teach clients to track their cynical thoughts using tokens, such as marbles or poker chips. They instruct them to put the tokens in their left pocket and then transfer a token to the right pocket for each negative comment stated either inside or outside their heads. That way the clients now have evidence of how often they are pessimistic and are more receptive to changing. Here are ways to help your kid tune in to his more pessimistic, cynical thoughts and learn to confront them.
   • Point out cynicism. Create a code—such as pulling on your ear or touching your elbow—that only you and your kid know. The code means he's uttered a cynical comment.
   • Confront "stinkin' thinking." Teach your kid to "talk back to the pessimistic voice" so that he learns not to listen to it. One way to do so is to use yourself as an example (and feel free to fictionalize, just as long as your child gets the point). "I remember when I was your age. Right before I'd take a test, a voice inside me would say, 'You're not going to do well.' I learned to talk back to it. I'd tell it: 'I'm going to try my best. If I try my best, I'll do okay.' Pretty soon the voice faded away because I refused to listen to it. When you hear that voice, talk to it and say it's wrong." Tamar Chansky's book Freeing Your Child from Negative Thinking is a must-read for parents and offers a wealth of strategies to build children's resilience.
4. Balance their pessimistic view. Cynical kids can get trapped in pessimistic thinking patterns, seeing only the downside and blowing things way out of proportion so that they miss the upside. So provide your kid with a more balanced perspective to help him learn to counter his own inner pessimistic talk. Suppose your son won't go to a friend's birthday because he thinks no one likes him. Offer a more balanced view: "If Sunny didn't like you, you'd never have been invited." Suppose your oldest blows his math exam and says he can never do anything right. Counter his comment: "I see how upset you are, but nobody can be good at everything. You're good in history and art. Meanwhile, let's figure out a way to help improve your math."
5. Encourage positive speculation. Pessimistic kids often think of the gloomy outcome and "bad possibilities" in any situation such that they can greatly shortchange their potential for success. Try these ways to help your kid think through the possible outcomes so that he's more likely to have a realistic appraisal before making a decision. Ask "What if?" questions. "What might happen if you tried that?" "What might happen if you didn't try?"
   • Weigh the pros and cons. "What are all the good things that might happen if you choose that? What are the bad things? Now weigh the good with the bad." "Are there more good or bad outcomes?"
   • Name the worst thing. Ask, "What is the absolute worst thing that could happen?" Then help him determine if the outcome really is all that bad, as well as come up with ways to deal with it.
6. Acknowledge optimistic thinking. Change is always difficult—especially when you are trying to alter an attitude that is an engrained habit. So be on the alert for those times when your child does utter optimistic statements. If you're not looking for the behavior, you may well miss those moments when your child is trying a new approach. So whenever you do hear optimism, acknowledge it. Just be sure to remind your child of what he said that was optimistic and why you appreciate the comment: "I know how difficult your math tests have been. But saying you think you'll do better was being so optimistic. I'm sure you'll do better because you've been studying so hard." "Son, it pleases me that you said you'll try your best to tie your shoes by yourself. Way to be positive!"
7. Take a reality check. If you've tried all these techniques and your child's pessimism continues, then there are two more options to consider. First, could your child's negative complaints be legitimate? For instance, is he really doomed to flunk that test because the class is too accelerated? Will he strike out because he really doesn't have the abilities or coordination for Little League? Do the other kids make fun of him because he really does act weird or dress too "geeky"? If so, it's time to check your expectations and make sure they are realistic for your child. Put him in a less advanced math class and get him a tutor, drop Little League so that he can take the karate class he really wanted to take, enroll him in a class that builds social skills. Second, please make sure that your child's pessimism is not really depression or deep-seated anger. If it is, please get him the help he needs with a trained mental health professional.