Introduction
Moms need time to replenish their energies and enthusiasm. Children benefit from learning to spend independent time. In training the kids to play alone, and give Mom time she needs for herself, keep these six guidelines in mind.
- Age One: Safety needs must be met.
- Age Two: The age of the child, and the child’s interests, must be taken into account.
- Age Three: The number of children must be considered.
- Age Four: Mom must put her guilt and some expectations aside.
- Age Five: Mom may have to lower her neatness standard.
- Age Six: Kids can be taught. Explain things to the kids when they are old enough to understand Mom’s need for some time.
How I could get the kids to play alone, and how safely they were able to play alone varied greatly as my two daughters grew. When the first one was a baby, I invested in an expandable circular gate that almost filled the living room. I would load in the safe toys and let the little one play. This would give me up to 45 minutes of reasonably free time one to three times a day with an occasional check for safety.
The Playpen Method
The playpen method works best with one child. There is a safety concern about putting two babies in a pen alone or leaving one baby in a pen alone in a room with an older, but not yet responsible enough sibling. When daughter #2 came along, I would need to find a safe alone activity for her while baby was in the pen. This need was the mother of invention of a strategy that worked very well for one toddler, and then two.
I emptied out the bottom shelves of two kitchen cabinets and stocked them with as many toys as would fit. Since my kitchen had a narrow pantry where I spent most of my cooking time, this was perfect. I was able to do my kitchen chores and keep peripheral vision on the older child while the baby was in the playpen. This technique was very effective when the second baby became a toddler. It helped the girls to learn to play together and feel safe that Mom was nearby. As children become used to playing together there can be a significant yield of “Mom” time.
Create a Safe and Interesting Play Area
If Mom has a different set up in her house, she might create a safe and interesting play area in another room adjacent to the kitchen, or a room in which she spends a lot of time. It is important that the set up allow a peek at the kids when safety is an issue. There are very “cool” large puzzle mats one can purchase that define play spaces. Your child can be taught that a certain space is his play spot while Mom is in the kitchen or busy in another room. The ages of the kids will determine how far away Mom wants to go while the children are in their special areas. Turning one room, (if you have the space) into a special (safe) playroom, can give the kids lots to do for a few hours. The trick is to keep a safe and interesting inventory that gets updated to fit the ages and changes in the kids.
“Baby proofing” the house also helped when the kids were between 2 and 5. Taking away dangerous things or those I wanted not to break, and installing a gate at the bottom of the stairs, allowed the kids play and roam a little while I did house tasks, read or rested. Actually taking a nap did not meet safety concerns when the girls were very little.
Have Consequences for Infractions of the Rules
I did not have a room to devote to playing when the kids were young enough to be left in a room alone. Instead I cleared out a space in the basement, which was dry, but not finished, and installed an old kitchen table I found in a recycle store. Once I helped them to go down, or they were safe enough to descend on their own, the girls could paint, use clay and make as much of a mess as they wanted to. The key was to be sure there was nothing toxic in the basement. Also, it is important to explain to the children what is expected of them, and what their responsibilities are in relation to the space. Have consequences for infractions of the rules. They learn best this way.
The consequences do not have to be large. My girls knew what they could do in the basement and what not. One thing that helped was for me to spend a little time down there with them helping them to acclimate to the space. Once they were comfortable and felt it was their own, it successfully occupied many hours of many days.
Once my kids could go outside alone in the backyard I could keep an eye on them from the kitchen windows. We lived on a dead end street. Had we not, I would have fenced in the yard. In the winter the girls could play in the snow for a bit, but they would get cold and want to come in. Depending on what your children enjoy, you can plan an indoor activity for them when the weather—or safety issues—call for inside playing. One of the things my girls liked to do was to paint macaroni and when it was dry, string it into necklaces. This required some Mom time to help explain the activity, but once done, they were happy for at least an hour.
It is important to know what your kids enjoy doing and have the materials available for these activities. Mom must accept that some time may be required in orientation and motivation, in order to have the respite time she needs. She may also have to resolve herself to the fact that her house may not stay as neat as she would prefer. This is the reality of kids. When I moved out of the house in which my children grew up—the house I had tried so hard to keep clean—I discovered that there were areas that I never could have reached or even considered cleaning. As I was driving away, leaving the house “broom clean” for the next tenant, I realized that all those years of cleaning had not made as big a difference as I had thought. Maybe I didn’t have to care as much!
Tricks of the Trade -- Having Your Own Time
One of the “tricks of the trade” of having your own time is to get rid of your guilt. It is okay for kids to have some time playing alone. It will build independence and trust in themselves. But Mom, you may have to adjust your expectations about how long the “left alone” time will be. If you put in a little “up front” time getting the kids into an activity and helping them to understand that Moms are people too, you may find that you can work your way into having a little “Me” time almost every day.
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Bette J. Freedson, LICSW, LCSW, CGP is the author of the "Relax and Learn Seminars: Skills For All Seasons,” a repertoire of workshops based on the principles of effective stress management. In her work Ms. Freedson emphasizes the power of the mind/body connection to improve decision-making, increase effective coping, reduce time wasted in conflict, boost morale and productivity at work, and create greater harmony in relationships. Ms. Freedson practices clinical social work at The Listening Place in Lynn, Massachusetts. Besides maintaining an additional private practice in South Berwick, Maine, Bette is Social Work consultant to Maine School Administrative District #35.
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