Romance on Campus

Consider Leaving The Relationship From Home At Home

Many college freshman arrive on campus still tied to a boyfriend or girlfriend from high school or summer camp who is now either still at home or off at another college. They limp through part or all of first semester wracked with guilt about not visiting or calling often enough; or, worse yet, they spend most weekends on the road visiting each other or, worse yet, cheat on the person with someone else—and then these relationships almost invariably explode. For the lucky ones, this happens within the first few weeks of school, allowing the individuals to go on and have rich and productive college lives. For the less fortunate, the relationships endure long enough to ensure that the individuals have lost out on the early-semester opportunities to bond with their roommates and other freshman new to the campus or, worse, to stigmatize the individuals as people who are "off-limits" due to a girlfriend or boyfriend "from home."

As a collective group, we don't know of very many couples whose relationships began in high school and survived both individuals' attending different colleges. I'm sure there are examples out there, but the chances of your relationship being one of them is very small. Your chance of being one of the thousands and thousands of soon-to-be bitter people who try to make a long-distance relationship work during part of freshman year (or even longer) only to have it fail is very large.

Take our advice.

Have a heart-to-heart with your significant other from high school, summer, or wherever your relationship began. Talk about the realities, talk about the ex­pense, talk about the inconvenience, talk about whatever you want to talk about, but make sure that at the end of the talk, you are free to go your separate ways. At least for first semester.

Those Who Go Looking For Love Don't Find It

The next area of consensus seems to be that you shouldn't burst on to campus as a freshman and go "looking" for love - either the serious kind or a casual hookup. It does seem that people can smell desperation a mile away.

The best advice here is to be friendly, outgoing, and approachable and, most important of all, to be yourself. Put yourself out on the "scene" simply by going to parties and other campus events in mixed groups of friends from your freshman dorm. While there, just talk to the people you meet. Forget about using clumsy pickup lines or other clever ploys to "figure out" how to begin a conversation. The best way to start a conversation is just to walk up and start the conversation. If there is one thing we all learned from our social experiences in college, it is that everyone is waiting for everyone else to make the first move.

If you find yourself interested in someone in one of your classes, strike up an easy, stress-free conversation about the course material. Don't worry about "closing the deal" in a single day - you have the whole semester to get to know the person, and the rest of college after that. That's the nice thing about college. You know that anyone you meet there is going to be around awhile.

Resist The Urge To "Couple Up" Right Away

The next mistake freshmen seem to make all the time is to look to pair off immediately with the first person who interests them.

Resist the urge to do this.

You're in college now - on a big campus, surrounded by thousands of people of similar age and circumstance. The first few weeks of the first semester of freshman year are the time when new peer groups are forming and when there are the fewest boundaries to meeting new people. No one knows anyone, so the approach can be natural and worry-free. This is also the time to establish your individual identity - and not to become known to some people as "Kristin's boyfriend" or "Brad's girlfriend."

Take advantage of this time to meet a lot of people, bond, have some adventures, and make new friends. Chances are, some of these people will end up staying with you through the rest of college and, if you're really lucky, for the rest of your life. Enjoy your newfound freedom awhile before you become connected to another person. Remember that relationships can be isolating. If you couple up right away and start spending all your time with one person, you may find that if (when?) that relationship expires, you've lost the opportunity to fall in naturally with a group of friends"and you'll then have to work harder to find them.

For many of you, freshman year in college will be the first time you can come and go as you please, keep whatever hours you want, hang out with whomever you feel like whenever you feel like it, and explore anything and everything you might want to explore within the bounds of the law and your own sense of morality.

Safeguard Your Health, Your Safety, and Your Reputation

As we just said, when you get to college, you are free to explore anything and everything you might want to explore within the bounds of the law and your own sense or morality.

The problem is, not everyone conforms their behavior to the bounds of the law, and people have vastly different senses of morality.  Those disconnects can lead to some real perils.  Some people are looking for uncomplicated, fleeting encounters without strings or expectations.  Some are looking for relationships, or even life partners in connection with those encounters.  Some people are good communicatiors and will let you know what their expectations are.  Others won't, and it can be hard, particularly in the heat of the moment, to stop to inquire.

You would hope that everyone would respect your expectations and whatever boundaries you set up, even on the spur of the moment.  But the truth is, not everybody will.  It is therefore up to you, at all times, to make your expectations known and to protect your health and safety.

Home For The Holidays

Freshman couples frequently find themselves asking when it is appropriate to bring a new boyfriend or girlfriend home to share a holiday with the fam. How you will answer this question is, like many other things romantic, entirely individual, but here are some general guidelines:

If you've been dating seriously for less than three months, it is too early.

If you haven't spent a weekend away together alone yet, it is too early.

If your parents don't yet know you are dating, and if you have not yet met your boyfriend or girlfriend's parents in some other capacity - such as on Parents' Weekend or during some other campus visit - it is probably too early.

If, when you really think about it, you're not sure that you want to be in a committed relationship with this person for a long time, it is too early.

If you've cheated on this person already, or thought about doing so, it is too early.

If one of the reasons you want to invite the person to come home with you is that you want to show him or her off to your high school friends at the Thanksgiving Day game or at church on Christmas Eve, it is too early.

If you're not prepared to face questions from your parents about your sexual in­volvement and to respect the boundaries they impose with respect to sleeping arrangements in their home, it is too early.

In other words, if you're still a freshman, chances are, it is too early.

Some Further Thoughts On The College Dating Scene

"Looking back from the comfortable vantage point of married adulthood, I think the main thing I gained from college romances was knowing that I truly had the time and opportunity to do what I wanted, to look around, and to fall in love without the pressure of making any life-long commitments," Zoe mused. "I had relationships of varying duration and intensity with all sorts of people and I can now say that I have no regrets, no feeling of wanting to go back and have that particular type of freedom again. There's another type of freedom that comes with committed relationships that stand the test of time and the trials of grown-up life, including moves, financial strain, careers, and children. This type of freedom has more to do with knowing that you can be fully yourself with someone and love and trust them without fear. Some people find the right person in college, but most of my friends and I didn't."

"It's alright to have your heart broken," Tiffany added. "You will survive it, and as cliché as it sounds, it is a valuable learning experience. I experienced my first real relationship in college and although it did not end pleasantly, I was able to get through it with the help of supportive friends and lots of kickboxing! Being cheated on sucks any way you look at it, but in the end, it taught me a lot about myself and what I want in a relationship."

Campus Confidential Mentors and Uber-Mentors:

Campus Confidential contains the collective advice of a a diverse group of people who have traveled the road to college. Some are recent college graduates who can counsel you on the college experience as it is today. Other are a few years removed from their college days and can provide a longer view of the decisions you will need to make before, during, and after college. Here is a little bit about the mentors and uber-mentors in these articles.

Dan Bissell – Campus Confidential Uber-Mentor

Portland, Oregon

B.A. Middlebury College cum laude, 1993. Major: Geology

M. D. University of Colorado School of Medicine, Adler Scholar, 2002

Tom Teh Chiu – Campus Confidential Uber-Mentor

Brooklyn, New York

B. A. Yale University, 1993. Major: double major in Chemistry and Music

M. M. Juilliard School, 1995

M Juilliard School, 2001

Jim Bright – Campus Confidential Uber-Mentor

Winston-Salem, North Carolina

B. A. Duke University, magna cum laude, Phi Beta Kappa, 1997. Major: History

Amanda Cramer – Campus Confidential Uber-Mentor

Paso Robles, California

B.A. Cornell University Phi Beta Kappa, 1993. Major: Mathematics

Graduate study in food science – Enology, University of California at Davis 1997-2000

Zoe Robbins – Campus Confidential Uber-Mentor

Gouldsboro, Maine

B.A. (1) Wellesley College magna cum laude, Phi Beta Kappa, 1997. Major: Economics

B.A. (2) University of Pennsylvania, 2001. Major: Nursing

Carolyn Koegler – Campus Confidential Uber-Mentor

Hopkinton, New Hampshire

B. A. Tufts University, cum laude, 1993. Double major: History and Spanish

Erik Norton – Campus Confidential Uber-Mentor

Boston, Massachusetts

B. A. Massachusetts Institute of Technology, 1993. Major: Mathematics

Lyndsee Dickson – Campus Confidential Mentor

Concord, New Hampshire

B.A. New York University, cum laude, 2004. Major: East Asian studies

Kevin Donovan – Campus Confidential Mentor

Somerville, Massachusetts

B.A. Boston College, honors in the major, 1993. Major: English, Minor: Creative Writing

Tiffany Chan – Campus Confidential Mentor

Concord, New Hampshire

B.S. New York University, 2005. Major: Communication Science

Erica Eubanks – Campus Confidential Mentor

Memphis, Tennessee

B.A. Tennessee State University, National Deans List, 2003. Major: Criminal Justice

Dave Irwin – Campus Confidential Mentor

Carlisle, Massachusetts

B.A. Middlebury College departmental honors, 2004. Major: American Civilization, Minor: Education

Chase Johnson – Campus Confidential Mentor

London, England

B. A. Duke University, with Phi Alpha Theta distinction in history, 2005. Major: History

Aaron Paskalis – Campus Confidential Mentor

Magnolia, Massachusetts

West Point Military Academy, then transferred to UMass Amherst

B. A. University of Massachusetts at Amherst, 2005. Major: Legal studies