Second Grade: Parent Talk

Guides to Effective Communication

To improve communication with a child, a parent can:

-Test the water. Ask a question to determine whether or not your child wants to talk. For example, "Want to talk about how you're feeling?"

-Learn to use responsive or reflective listening techniques. These methods provide a mirror for the child to see himself more clearly. For example:

Child: "I don't know whether to go to Bob's birthday party or go swimming with Jamie."

Parent: "Sounds like you're having trouble deciding."

-Begin with the child's feelings. For example: "You seem upset..."

-Pay close attention to the child when she is speaking.

-Maintain good eye and body contact.

-Accept the child as a person with feelings. Allow negative feelings as well as positive feelings to be expressed. For example:

Child: "I don't like to go to school."

Parent: "You're feeling bad about school today."

-Understand that feelings are ever-changing, not permanent.

-Know that expressing a feeling, especially a negative feeling, helps a child deal with that feeling.

-Treat your child with respect and dignity.

-Learn how to express yourself and your feelings with a responsive "I" message. For example: "I get frustrated when you slam the door."

-Learn to discriminate between your problems and the child's problems.

-Allow for failure and success. Resist the impulse to do it yourself. Allow the child to work out his feelings. Avoid attempts to "fix it" or "rescue" your child.

-Avoid threatening, judging, lecturing or ridiculing.

Here are some common parenting styles that will cause a child to feel inadequate and unacceptable. Do you recognize any of them?

Commander -  General Style

- "Do as you are told NOW!"

- Message sent: Commands and threats tell child his feelings or needs are not important. Usually causes resentment, rejection and hostility from child.

Parent Psychologist

- "I know you did that just to get my attention"

- Message sent: Parent knows child’s motives and parent is usually right. Child feels threatened, frustrated or embarrassed.

THe Judge 

- "You never do it right!"

- Message sent: Child is inadequate, unworthy, stupid, bad. Child may become defensive and resentful.

The Preacher 

- "You shouldn’t feel that way."

- Message sent: Child’s judgment is not to be trusted. This may cause feelings of guilt, obligation and shame.

The Cynic 

- "Nice going. Those grades are going to get you a long way."

- Message sent: Child is bad, unloved and not appreciated. Lowers self-esteem. A true put-down.

Research indicates that the permissive (no rules, little guidance) and authoritarian (strict rules, very controlling) styles of parenting result in more problems for a parent and child as the child grows. Children are best able to grow and learn in a home that uses a positive, authoritative approach. Allowing children to express themselves and openly communicate with you is an important part of a positive approach.

Check with the local office of Iowa State University Extension for information on positive parenting workshops that might be offered in your area.