College Admission Essays: Setting the Right Tone

Orienting the Reader

Taking a walk in the woods? Bring a compass and a map so that you can orient yourself to your surroundings. Writing a lead? Place clues about the content and theme of the essay up front, so that readers may orient themselves to the message you’re trying to convey. For example, imagine that you’re writing a college essay about your brother’s senate race and your role in the campaign. Somewhere in the first paragraph, be sure to mention (prepare for a shock) your brother’s senate race and your role in the campaign. An indirect reference is great, as in this paragraph:

“Committee to Re-elect Senator Oscar Woodrow III, how may I help you?” My voice was a little hoarse because I had already answered 159 phone calls. It was only 10:00 a.m., and I had eight more hours to go. But I didn’t care at all about my throat. Getting my brother re-elected was my only concern.

This lead communicates not only the topic (the senate campaign) but also several themes to the reader: brotherly love, hard work, and sacrifice. Not bad for a few lines!

The admission essay is not a school assignment; it’s a combination magazine article and advertisement for you, the applicant. (“Get the new and improved version of Suzy Q. Scholar. Guaranteed to turn in all her term papers on time! On sale at newsstands this month only!”) In school assignments you’ve probably been told to open with a paragraph containing your thesis statement (the point you’re proving in the paper) and the supporting points. Nothing wrong with that structure; it certainly orients the reader to the subject matter of the essay. If you’re very fond of this sort of writing, go ahead and write an admission essay that way. The problem is that school assignments tend to be very boring. (Trust me; I read thousands of student papers each year. I know what I’m talking about.) A little suspense doesn’t hurt.

You can create suspense by holding your big guns, the most important ideas, until later in the essay. For example, in a fine essay by Thomas Merton, the author opens with a statement about the trial of Adolf Eichmann, one of the war criminals of Nazi Germany. Merton states that Eichmann, who was responsible for the death of millions, was judged sane by the examining psychiatrist. He goes on to discuss Eichmann’s calm demeanor at his trial and then explores the concept of sanity. He notes that the soldiers responsible for launching nuclear missiles are all certified sane by military doctors. His conclusion: If sanity allows for the killing of huge numbers of people, it’s like the muscles of the dinosaurs, an “advantage” that leads to extinction. But the point I make here is important: You don’t need to tip your hand and reveal everything in the lead of your essay, but you do need to include the topic and the first step in your chain of logic so that the reader has some idea of the direction in which the essay is going.

Avoiding Common Pitfalls

Browse through College Admission Essays For Dummies and read the first couple of sentences of each student essay that are sprinkled throughout the book. Which leads appeal to you? Why? Your answers may not match mine. No problem. You should be trying to write a lead that matches your own personal taste. Remember, you’re trying to sound like yourself in the essay, not like me. You’re a unique individual, and your essay should reflect that fact.

I can’t tell you what’s right for you. However, I can point out a few style elements that are wrong for you and everybody else. Avoid these pitfalls as you write your lead:

• Don’t announce. A lot of teachers instruct their students to “announce” the main idea of a homework essay, as in this lead: “In this essay I will discuss my brother’s senate campaign and my role in it.” Sigh. I really hate this sort of opening paragraph, even in school assignments. In a college admission essay, it’s deadly. Take this as a good general rule: Talk about the topic, not about the essay. Also, try for a little subtlety!
• Don’t address the reader directly. I’ve seen a number of student essays that attempt to emulate the title character in Charlotte Bronte’s Jane Eyre. Every chapter or so Jane speaks to “Dear Reader” or just “Reader.” Okay, Bronte got away with it, but she was a genius. Don’t begin your admission essay with “Dear Reader, please admit me,” as one student did.
• Surprise is okay, but shock isn’t. Don’t lead off with gory or gross images. Actually, don’t put gory or gross images anywhere in the essay. Stay away from profanity and bathroom humor. (Why? How many adults of admissions-committee age have you seen at teen gross-out movies?)
• Don’t begin with a cliché. Actually, don’t end with a cliché either, and try not to put any in the middle of your essay. The admissions officers have read thousands of essays that begin with these or similar statements:

                                                My friend __________ is always there for me.
                                                Nothing is more important than my family (or learning).
                                                When I ____________, I understood the meaning of life.

• Don’t try to sound older than you are. If you’re applying for admission after a lifetime of learning, you may certainly declare that fact. But if adolescence is still a fairly sharp memory, stay away from blanket statements about the meaning of your whole existence. I once had to dig my fingernails into my palms to avoid laughing at a young man who told me, “I was born in New York, I’ve lived in New York my whole life, and I’ll die in New York.” He was ten years old at the time.