The Shy Child

The teachers at Dakota’s school have discovered that pushing her doesn’t do any good. She’s very resistant to joining an activity until she decides on her own to do so. She has the ability to absorb by watching—far more ability than any of her teachers, who at first worried that she must be bored, because they were projecting their own needs onto her. She isn’t bored. In fact, they discovered that she was getting much more out of preschool than anyone realized, but she was doing it in her own way. The teachers, with the family’s input, decided to be patient with Dakota and to respect her style. They also, when they could, arranged for her to be in smaller groups and play alone with one or two children rather than always urging her to join into large-group activities.

The teachers have discovered that this quiet, cautious child has grown into something of a leader in the class. The other children are drawn to Dakota and are influenced by her. In fact, the day doesn’t truly begin until Dakota arrives. The teachers were really surprised when they discovered that Dakota’s quiet presence now influences the activities in the classroom. They shared their findings with the parents, and invited them to come observe their daughter’s new-found leadership role.

Factors other than those that influence Dakota may be at work on another child who exhibits similar behavior. Take Brandi, for example:

Brandi is shy and cautious for entirely different reasons—she has a history of abuse and attachment issues. As a result, she has a great deal of trouble separating from her foster mother, who delivers her to school. She cries loudly and must be peeled off, so that the foster mother, who has other children to deliver to another school, can leave. Once Brandi quits crying, she goes into mourning. She stands by the art table with one finger in her mouth and her eyes staring vacantly. The teachers have decided that she isn’t even really “there” most of the time. She stares into space. She sits in circle time silently. She doesn’t seem to have learned a single song (compared with Dakota, who never sings at school but at home can go through every word of every verse, complete with hand movements). Brandi is withdrawn, and it isn’t just that she has a slower pace than most children. She has a problem. In fact, this child might well have been born quick, lively, and a willing risk taker, but her life circumstances have beaten her into the child she is now—one who needs more help than her teachers alone can give her. Under ideal circumstances, Brandi’s teachers, foster parents, and biological family are working with social workers and therapists to help her family get back together, help her resolve her attachment issues, and heal the raw scars of her abuse. If all goes well and everyone cooperates, Brandi will get her life back together and her spark will come back. She’ll be the child she really is rather than the child she has become.

The vital difference between Dakota and Brandi is that Dakota is the child she is and Brandi is not—she’s been damaged.