Smart Parenting During and After Divorce: What to Do When Your Child Is Acting Out Sexually During or After a Visit (page 3)

When to Get a Professional Opinion

If your child demonstrates any of the following behaviors, a safe course of action is to discuss it immediately with a pediatrician or child behavior expert.

• Tries to kiss on the mouth and spontaneously says that is the way so-and-so kisses
• Compulsively masturbates
• Tries to insert objects into body openings
• Is involved in sexual behavior (oral sex, simulated or actual intercourse) with playmates
• Makes sexually explicit comments without knowing their meaning
• Makes sexual advances to other adults (touches or rubs or tries to kiss their genitals)

The physical signs of sex abuse are difficult for the untrained eye to identify accurately. Children may be prone to rashes and irritations in the genital area that can be related to acidic urine, as well as certain soaps or laundry detergents. Before accusing anyone of sexual impropriety with your child, get a professional opinion.

If Sexual Abuse Is Confirmed

When indications appear to confirm your suspicions that your child might have been exposed to sexual activity, you must talk with the co-parent and share your concerns. You can do so without pointing an accusatory finger, but there is no guarantee that it will be taken as anything other than accusatory. Do not take this as a sign of guilt or culpability on the part of the person you are talking to. While it is frightening to think your child might be sexually abused, it is also frightening to be unjustly accused of sexually abusing your own child.

Both parents must put their heads together to discuss who the child has been interacting with lately and any other pertinent observations. Both parents should meet with professionals trained in this area and seek their advice.

All cases of suspected sexual abuse should be reported to whatever child protective service agency handles your jurisdiction. The telephone number for this agency is usually found at the beginning or end of the local telephone directory. You can also get this number from directory assistance by asking for the listing for the government agency in your area that handles cases of suspected child abuse. A child who reports abuse by a parent is somewhat at the mercy of the professionals who examine that child and the opinions they form as a result of examining the child. Be certain, therefore, that the people who examine your children have the requisite training and skill.

The quality of service received from any government employee who investigates child or sexual abuse varies from excellent to poor, depending on the training of the individual, experience in the field, and many other factors. You have the right to ask workers questions about their training. Take careful notes about everything an investigator does with respect to places, times, and contact with the child.

If you believe that a caseworker did not do an adequate job of investigating the abuse, find out who supervises that worker and ask whether you may submit a letter reflecting your concerns. If you believe you have been unjustly accused, you should seek a lawyer's advice. In most jurisdictions there is a protocol for challenging the investigative findings of a state agency that handles child abuse.

If you are very sure that your child has been sexually molested by the co-parent or someone at the co-parent's house, before you cancel the next visitation, speak to an attorney or go to court and ask about how you can file for an emergency action or conference with the court on your child's behalf.

This is a very difficult parenting area because children can be swayed to report sex abuse that did not happen, and they can be convinced or threatened not to report abuse that did happen. You can protect your children's interests by supervising them closely at all times. Teach your children to talk about their bodies, to not be ashamed of any body part, to be cautious of anyone who touches their bodies or makes them feel uncomfortable, and to always tell an adult when this happens.