The Social 4th Grader

Friends and Fights

"I'll never talk to Melissa again! We're not friends anymore."

Sound familiar? Your fourth-grader may be going through some bewildering ups and downs with friends. It isn't unusual for your child to get into quarrels with other children. The arguments may be intense and wild but are usually brief. Learning to manage anger, control temper and limit quarreling by talking things out and compromising is a gradual process. This skill will develop through the years. Children learn from their experiences and by watching others.

It is difficult to watch your child experience these emotional times when he loses his temper. If you take these storms calmly, you will help your child learn to work things out peacefully. The experience of fighting is usually a lesson in understanding that there are a variety of styles and people in his world. Experiencing the consequences of these quarrels can help your child develop self-control.

Expanding Friendships

During this year, people outside the family may become more important to your child. She is apt to become more deeply attached to best friends and be more selective about them. As your child's interests and acquaintances expand, she may choose friends you don't know. If she wants to spend time with a new friend, it may be a good idea to arrange get-acquainted visits between the two families. It is sometimes difficult for parents to realize how important these childhood friendships are to their child. If families cannot get together, invite your child's new friend to your home. This will allow you to meet and get acquainted. Most often you will be able to see very quickly why they enjoy each other. If you're concerned, it allows you to see what is happening so you can discuss it.

You may find there is a child who seems notorious for the explosions that occur every time he is with your child. Under such circumstances, you may feel the two are not the most trustworthy companions. If you suspect your child's least responsible behavior may be sparked by another child, you will want to take precautionary measures.

You may feel that this companion should be barred from your child. Yet, consider what your child may or may not learn from such a command. Rather than keep your child from that playmate, help the child know how to handle situations that arise. When together, you will want to be sure they are monitored closely so things are less likely to get out of hand.

By reminding your child of the responsible actions you expect before the two are together, he may either lead in acceptable activity or choose to play with that child less.

For example, Jack was a fairly quiet youngster, but whenever he was with Bill, they became very mischievous. Jack's mom was understandably disturbed by his behavior. She decided to keep a closer watch and see to it they had a variety of approved but exciting things to do when they were together. This eliminated most problems. Many children are very active and imaginative at this age but lack the judgment skills needed to make good choices about appropriate behavior.