Supporting Your Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer or Questioning Child

What It Means When My Child Says They Are Gay...

Sexual orientation is a person's emotional, physical, spiritual, intellectual and sexual attraction and the expression of that attraction.

Gender identity is a person's understanding, definition and/or experience of their own gender, regardless of anatomical sex.

Transgender is an umbrella term used to refer to people whose anatomical sex does not reflect their self-identified gender. Sexual orientation and gender are separate; gender is an identity of self and sexual orientation is an identity of relationships.

• About 10-20% of youth self identify as LGBTQ.
• Although a subject of debate, sexual orientation and gender identity are likely two of the many characteristics with which people are born.
• Bad experiences, like sexual abuse or poor parenting, do not influence sexual orientation.
• Neither you nor someone else is to blame for your child's sexual orientation and gender identity. Identifying as LGBTQ is as natural as having blue eyes or being right-handed.
• It is critical to continue to support your child, as you always have.

How To Support Your Child. . .

Children often find it difficult to come out to their parents. LGBTQQ teens have often spent months, if not years, figuring out their identities. Sharing with their parents can be difficult. Parents often are in shock or grieve after a child's tells them they are LGBTQQ.

• Start with a statement of support instead of judgment, when your child comes out to you.
• Remember that telling you is a sign of their love. For your child to keep their sexuality a secret would be to keep a large part of them from you. Telling you means they need your support and understanding.
• You may feel shock, denial, guilt and/or grief. This is understandable given our society's attitudes towards LGBTQQ people. Process your emotions. Realize your child is the same as before their statement.
• Get support from other parents.
• Keep the lines of communication open.
• Remember, every child has different needs. They will require parents to communicate differently.
• Educate yourself as to the issues faced by LGBTQQ youth. This will be the first step towards supporting your child.
• Do not consult a therapist to "cure" your child. Trying to cure people of LGBTQQ identities is pointless. These identities are not diseases. They are natural points along a continuum of sexual orientation and gender identity/expression.
• Do not confide in family or friends without your child's consent. Make sure you have time to process your emotions so that you don't communicate negative emotions.
• Help make sure schools are safe places for your LGBTQQ child and their allies. Contact Youth Pride, Inc.'s Safe Zone

Things to Consider. . .

LGBTQQ youth can be at risk. They are a minority and schools and other professionals often have little experience working with and supporting them. Society is becoming more accepting, but progress often comes with a backlash.

• Depression. Depression is 4-5 times more common among LGB youth than among their non-gay peers.
• Suicide. LGB youth are 2-3 times more likely to attempt suicide than their non-gay peers.
• Harassment. 97% of high school students report hearing homophobic remarks regularly from peers. 82.9% of LGBT youth reported that faculty never or only some of the time intervened when they heard homophobic remarks in school.
• Unequal treatment. Often people struggle with "flaunting" homosexuality. Yet heterosexual displays of affection are present every day on campuses. The same standards should apply to all students.

* Queer - Although queer is often used in a derogatory manner, it is being reclaimed by some and used as a source of power and pride. It can include both gender identity/expression and sexual orientation. Its use is controversial. We choose to use it out of respect for young people who identify as queer.

1 Child Welfare League of America & Lambda Legal Defense and Education Fund, Fostering Transitions, NE Regional Community Forum, September, 2003
2 Timmelman, T. L. (1990).
3 Rotheram-Borus, M., Hunter, J., & Rosario, M. (1994). Suicidal behavior and gay-related stress among gay and bisexual male adolescents. Journal of Adolescent Research, 9(4): 498-508
4 Massachusetts Governor's Commission on Gay and Lesbian Youth. (1993). Making Schools Safe for Gay and Lesbian Youth: Breaking the Silence in Schools and in Families. Boston.
5 Kosciw, J.G. (2003). The 2003 National School Climate Survey: The School-Related Experiences of Our Nation's Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Youth. New York: GLSEN.