Teaching Kids the Rules of the Road

Early on, our kids need to know that what applies in real life also applies in the virtual world of cyberspace. When approached by a stranger, they must ask for parent permission to speak to that person. This is important. Sexual predators and kidnappers are good at “grooming” children to trust them and eventually lure them into a dangerous situation. They take their time, determine the child’s vulnerabilities, and then say just the right things that appeal to their sense of adventure. They reach out to their prey by instilling self-confidence and feelings of belongingness – the very same goals that we as parents strive to help our children achieve. In essence, they became parental figures with a sick motive. Or worse, they use their adult knowledge and resources to gain an unfair (and evil) advantage towards becoming the victim’s “boyfriend” or “girlfriend.” They follow the same process that rapists follow: First, enter the child’s “personal space.” They get to know the child and interact in friendly ways to create an illusion of trust. Second, they rely on the child ignoring any improprieties thus leading to a “slippery slope” of continued sexual banter and playfulness. Third, when the timing is right, they lure the child into isolation where there is little chance of others, especially adults, getting in the way. This can begin with a private one-on-one chat in the virtual world and may end up with a secluded meeting in the real world. Finally comes the assault.

Similar to the real world, talking to strangers online does not have to be forbidden, only supervised and monitored. To enforce a “forbid” policy is unrealistic and unnecessary. Not all strangers are evil, some do genuinely care. For instance, my own middle school child has developed a passion for photography. He became a member of an online (and family friendly) photography club who’s members have encouraged and supported him in refining his photography skills. It would be impossible for me to conduct adequate background checks and meet every other member of the club. To deny him the interactions he has with the other members would also rob him of an excellent experience he has had, one that could easily influence a successful career for him as a professional photographer. Instead, I have interacted with the owners and topic moderators of the site who actually help me to monitor his online behavior. My son knows not to post any personal information which he is careful not to do. When he slips a bit, the website owners have done an excellent job of deleting any photos or other clues to his identity that he may unwittingly post. Except for a handful of frequent users on the site, I’m confident that the majority of members don’t even know that he is a child. Of course, this is not enough. He registered on the site with an e-mail address that I monitor and so anytime he posts a message or receives one, I get an e-mail that lets me know exactly the nature of the posts (I’ll share with you later in this section how I did this). I also have his account information and periodically enter to make sure he is still benefitting from the site in a safe and secure manner.

For your convenience, I have gleaned from various websites and from personal experience several other rules of the road that you should review and impress upon your child:

1. Never give out personal details such as your name, address or phone number. A corollary to this is never give out private details about your parents, family or friends. To a predator, these are clues to a puzzle that when finished, can help him/her determine who you are and even where you live. Also, family members may not want those details divulged for other reasons. For instance, a fun photo of “crazy” Uncle Joe at a party may get him in trouble with his boss or compromise his relationship with co-workers if it were discovered at work.
2. Never reveal passwords to your e-mail or other online accounts, even to your friends. Giving up your passwords means you give up control of the account which, for the purposes of our focus, is a security breach. Even trusted friends may accidentally do things online (e.g., send e-mails using your account) which may attract unwanted attention and open you up to the very kind of interactions you’ve been trying to avoid.
3.  Never arrange to meet with anyone you have met online. If you think a meeting would benefit you, work with your parent to make it happen and only be present at the meeting with your parent.
4. Only put on your buddy list those “friends” approved by your parents. In fact, your online buddy list should be no longer than a list of your real life friends. And, parents should always meet and know the people on their child’s buddy lists.
5. Never open any e-mail messages from others you don’t recognize. It could very well contain a virus or inappropriate content. Even when you do recognize the name in the e-mail, don’t open any attachments that you weren’t expecting. Many viruses use a recipients address book to send out e-mails and even use first names as they appear in the address book to make the e-mail look genuine when it is really not.
6. Remember that people online may not be who they say they are, no matter how long you have been in contact with them. The Internet makes it very easy to conceal ones identity and masquerade as someone else. That 13 year old “friend” you have been interacting with could easily be a 45 year old man who intends to harm you.
7. If at any time you feel uncomfortable or uneasy, realize that something is probably wrong. Stop what you are doing (don’t log off just yet) and get a parent or other trusted adult. The adult should save the message or evidence of the interaction and, if appropriate, use the content (including message headings) to report to the authorities. Also remember that it is not your fault if someone is trying to frighten you.
8. Do not reply to any bullying messages you receive. Bullies only take this as fuel for the fire and things could easily get worse. Instead, save and report to a trusted adult/parent.
9. Always abide by the “Golden Rule” when in chat rooms, talking on instant messenger, or sending e-mail—treat others the way you’d wish to be treated. Don’t say anything to anyone that you wouldn’t say on a stage or to a reporter.
10. Do not download or/and install any programs, especially file sharing software, without parental approval.
11. Be savvy when it comes to creating a user name. Ensure user names do not reveal too much personal information. It is inappropriate and dangerous for anyone to use his/her name or home town as their user name. Most user names made up of personal information are easily deciphered leading perpetrators to a child’s identity and location.
12. No second chance for a first impression. Remember, people can copy and disseminate information to others so, even if information is deleted from a website, older versions may exist on others’ computers. Think twice about what you post or send.