Tips for Parents: Gifted . . . and Teenagers, Too

Although parents of gifted children remain concerned about meeting their kids' intellectual, emotional and social needs throughout their lives, it's probably safe to say that as gifted children become teenagers, most parents loosen the strings of concern just a little bit. Hey, it's natural: as our children become young adults, we trust them to make some choices independently that, earlier, they needed our guidance to decide. We want that freedom for them; they need that freedom to enhance their full development.

Still, it is the errant parent who is not tethered to their gifted teen at least loosely throughout high school, and beyond. Although our kids may be loathe to admit it, they need us as much as they did in kindergarten; they simply need us in different ways.

For example, who better than a respectful and responsive mom or dad to help teens decipher their increasingly complex worlds? Whether the issue relates to "multipotential", which involves having so many talents and interests that choosing a college major and career focus becomes difficult, or the social tiptoeing one must do when everyone else in the class is 17 years old and you are 14, parents of gifted children have a part in helping their teens be fulfilled and successful.

I've listed below several strategies gleaned from parents of highly gifted kids as to how they addressed issues that arose at home, in school and with friends. Their collective experiences represent how we can help when are kids are gifted . . .and teenage, too.

• Accept that wanting to be perceived as "normal" is . . . normal! There are times in one's life when it's easy to be the "smart kid", and other times when that moniker is best downplayed. The middle school years may be a time when a child wants to be known for fitting in rather than sticking out, so don't overstress if your young teen seems to put the academic talents on hold temporarily. The vast majority of the time, this is a temporary port in the emotional sea of early adolesence. Once high school arrives, you'll recognize your gifted son or daughter once again.
• The greater the force, the stronger the resistance. OK . . .let's be honest: you cannot force a reluctant teenager to do anything, at least not for long. Whether it's to do more homework (or to not obsess about its completion); to begin to become more social (or to cut back on the dating circuit); or to start planning for one's college future (or to forget thinking of Harvard in 8th grade), teens have their own personal agendas, many of which tie into their newly found senses of power and independence. Punishments and contracts seldom work with gifted teenagers--coercion never does!--but honest discussions about the importance of balance in one's life is a great place to begin planting the seeds of personal responsibility. A weekly time with your teen--one-on-one for 20 minutes--may help you connect in ways that are purposeful and fun. Don't use the reason (excuse?) that neither of you has time for this--find the time. In the end, this weekly communication will bolster the parent-child relationship in meaningful ways.
• Allow natural consequences. OK . . . so your child didn't turn in homework for three weeks and is now frantically completing it two days before the semester ends. You could call the teachers or counselor and explain about the hectic pace of your teen's life that prevented on-time completion of work . . . but don't do it. This "rescue" ultimately hurts teens more than it helps, as it makes them dependent on you in ways that both you and they thought they'd outgrown. Instead, let this situation be a reminder of the importance of organization, scheduling and prioritizing. Natural consequences are remembered long after the relief of a parental "rescue" has subsided.
• Continue to be a parent. Even the brightest teens need guidance when it comes to issues they may not have addressed before. For example, if your kids are eligible to be grade skipped or to take college courses at 15 years old, don't let them be the only judges as to the appropriateness of this. Or, when it comes time to register for high school classes, discuss with your teens both the pros and cons of loading up on so many AP courses that they'll have little time left for anything but schoolwork. And, when it comes to all of those topics parents and teens are often uncomfortable to address honestly--sex and drugs, to name two--don't talk yourself into believing that "my smart kid will make the right decisions." Without your guidance, that's no more likely than it is for any other teenager. Don't assume that intellectual maturity guarantees good decision making in the heat of a social situation.

Are there secrets to raising gifted teenagers to become responsible adults? Sure there are. . . in fact, there are probably as many secrets as there are parents and teens! The real secret is no secret at all: open communication that is undergirded with a true respect for the individual your teenager is today, and the adults they are becoming all-too-soon.

Jim Delisle is a professor of education at Kent State University and a part-time teacher of gifted middle school students in Twinsburg, Ohio. His latest book (with Judy Galbraith) is When gifted kids don't have all the answers (Free Spirit Publishing).