Parenting Solutions: Youngest Child

The Answer

The renowned psychologist Alfred Adler was one of the first of scores of researchers to study the effects of birth order on siblings. He found that their order of birth—and how children are treated in that position—have a significant influence on our children's personality as well as their life choices and intelligence. Of course each child is different, but youngest kids do tend to share some common traits due to their birth order and how we treat them: they are often comical and entertaining, creative, spontaneous, highly social and outgoing, and more laid back and easygoing. They are generally less educated, intelligent, and financially successful than older siblings. But there are also interesting benefits to being the youngest.

A study of more than eight thousand schoolchildren found that later-born kids are much less likely to be overweight;⁴⁴ another study reports that they have far lower incidence of allergies and eczema.⁴⁵ They also tend to be more creative and unconventional; they are good team players; and they are more willing to see the other point of view (think Ronald Reagan, Charles Darwin, Harriet Tubman, Copernicus, Edward Kennedy, Descartes, and Mozart—all youngest kids who left a distinct mark on the world). There are also a few traits that can cause parents some sleepless nights. The youngest child can become the family rebel. He is sometimes more of a risk taker and is the kid in the family most likely to question authority.

Other studies show that this is also the sibling who goes through puberty the earliest and the one most likely to have the most sexual partners! (Maybe those are the reasons we decide that this will be our final child?) One thing is for sure: your youngest child is going to be fun, more relaxed, a bit healthier (at least when compared to the elder), and just possibly a bit of a challenge. He also will be well loved. Here are solutions to help your youngest thrive in his unique place in your family:

• Talk and talk and talk. Studies show that the oldest child has at least a 2.3-point IQ lead over his younger siblings, which in today's test-crazed educational system gives a huge academic edge.⁴⁶ But those extra IQ points are due not to genetics but to parents' spending more one-on-one time with the eldest. Talking is one of the best ways to enhance our children's verbal ability, and unfortunately our youngest kids lose that undivided time. What you talk about has no bearing on IQ; that you do talk is what matters. Here is proof: Joseph Price, an economics professor at Brigham Young University, analyzed data on twenty-one thousand people and found that firstborn kids get about three thousand more hours of solo time with their parents (roughly twenty to thirty more minutes daily) than their siblings. That increased parent-to-child talking time—found to increase intelligence and verbal ability—is how Price explains that the elder kids get more education, make more money, and score higher on IQ tests. The youngest receive the least amount of one-on-one time with parents. (They do spend more time with parents than their elder sibs do between the ages of four and thirteen, but the time is spent watching television!⁴⁷) So don't skimp on quality time with your youngest.
• Fill in his baby book. We spend hours completing our firstborn's baby book, photo albums, and scrapbooks. But don't forget your baby! It's disheartening to pull out your photo album and find little evidence that substantiates life beyond the first year. These can be time-consuming projects, so consider getting your youngest involved in finding those photos and gluing them into a scrapbook. This project would also give you time to talk one-on-one about how much you cherished your time together and to recall those special memories of when he was growing up (even though there may not be as many photos to prove it!).
• Don't let the youngest get away with murder! Our eldest keeps telling us, but now research proves it: the last-born kid does get away with more and is disciplined far less. Researchers from University of Maryland, Duke University, and Johns Hopkins University analyzed more than eleven thousand subjects in the National Longitudinal Study of Youth and found that parents are indeed far less strict with their youngest.⁴⁸ And because parents discipline less, the youngest is also far more likely to be a great risk taker, to be rebellious, to have unprotected sex, and to drop out of school and bend the rules as he gets older. Mom and Dad alert: listen to your older kid and don't be lax in your discipline with your youngest.
• Watch out for attention-getting antics. The reality is that we tend to be a bit more relaxed with our youngest child and don't watch his every move. It's no wonder that last kids are usually less stressed and more relaxed and often find their way to get attention by becoming the family comedian. (It's probably no coincidence that Billy Crystal, Whoopi Goldberg, Drew Carey, Steve Martin, Goldie Hawn, Eddie Murphy, Jim Carrey, and Rosie O'Donnell were all youngest kids.) Although a sense of humor is a great trait, make sure your baby doesn't use it at inappropriate moments (such as in school, at restaurants, and at the family dinner table). The trick is to help your little comedian decipher when a joke or some comic relief is appropriate and when it isn't. You may need to develop a private signal between you two for when it's an inappropriate moment to show off his hilarious Robin Williams routine or other entertaining antics.
• Treat your youngest as capable. We give our elder kids more responsibilities, and we just plain expect more of them at a younger age. Our expectations for our children do become self-fulfilling prophecies. Need proof? Eldest kids are more likely to become president of the United States or a CEO, land more prestigious jobs, and earn more money.⁴⁹ Almost all of the first astronauts were firstborns. Let's just not underrate our youngest and limit our expectations for their future. Be sure that your child hears that crucial parenting message—"You can do anything you put your mind to"—just as his older siblings have heard.
• Raise the expectation bar. Limited financial resources are often one reason the youngest doesn't earn as many degrees and diplomas, but aside from that, we are less likely to push that child to excel academically. Talk to your youngest in the "positive tense" about his education ("When you finish college") and push his future goals ("When you achieve your dreams"). Don't curtail this child's academic success by lowering your expectations.
• Keep up the responsibilities. Make sure your youngest does his fair share of chores and gets to take out the trash just as his elder siblings were privileged to do. Those chores do teach responsibility as well as boost achievement scores.
• Let your child tutor someone younger. Parents often rely on the older child to help out with a younger sibling: "Can you teach your brother to tie his shoes?" "Will you show your sister how to use the computer?" Those little "tutoring" sessions appear to greatly benefit our older child. In fact, new research contends that one of the reasons the oldest child has a slightly higher IQ than her siblings (besides having had more one-on-one time with us) is from tutoring them. So find ways your youngest child can teach an even younger child a special skill so that he can have the same advantage as his older siblings. What about a younger neighbor, the babysitter's child, a cousin, or even his dog? It makes no difference whom or what he teaches, as long as he gets the opportunity to tutor.
• Don't baby your baby. The youngest kid has older siblings as well as parents who baby and take care of him. How great to be so coddled, right? But the problem is that the youngest kid can get locked into that "baby" role and become dependent on others. And there's the possibility that he will also lower his expectations for himself. So halt the labels ("He's our baby"). Watch out that this kid doesn't get stuck, become "too comfortable" as youngest and cutest, and depend on others to bail him out and do things for him. Research shows that younger kids can have difficulty establishing independence out there in the real world if they've never been taken seriously or required to be responsible for themselves.⁵⁰