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Losing Sleep Over Coed Sleepovers?

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by Amanda Morin
Topics: Teen Years (13-19), Talking With Your Teen About Sexuality, more...
Losing Sleep Over Coed Sleepovers?

A slumber party is a rite of passage in a child's life. It marks a time when the comfort of friends outweighs the comfort of sleeping at home. However, there's a new trend in teenage sleepovers that's causing parents to wonder when this rite of passage became a matter of right or wrong. The issue? Coed slumber parties.

"Increasing numbers of parents say their teens want to attend coed teen slumber parties," says Dr. Linda Sonna, psychologist and author of 10 parenting books, including The Everything Parenting a Teenager Book. For many parents, there's no discussion about it –coed sleepovers are out of the question. For other parents whose teens who are hosting and attending these boy-girl events, it's merely a sign of the times, a natural extension of the ever-expanding platonic relationships between the sexes.

Dr. Sonna agrees that many teenagers have "deep, platonic friendships with members of the opposite sex." She also believes the assertion that kids just want to be able to hang out with their friends, all night long –the typical argument for having such a party –is apt to be true. But she warns that coed slumber parties often include a lot of sexual activity. In most cases, having sex isn't planned; it's a reaction to attraction, peer pressure and opportunity.

It's this combination of "raging hormones and poor executive judgment" that led Melinda Reilly to say no when her teenage daughter was invited to a coed sleepover. Reilly, whose blog Parents Headsup encourages parents to make informed decisions about their children's safety, viewed the sleepover "to be an unnecessary risk.”

However, there are ways for parents to minimize the risks of a coed slumber party though –starting with good communication. For Reilly, this was a key factor in allowing her daughter to attend a coed camping trip. “The parents were very proactive about it, from the invitation forward," she recalled. "I really appreciated the approach." Dr. Sonna offers parents these pointers, too:

  • Talk to the adults involved. Be certain they are aware of the party, will not be serving alcohol and will be checking in on the teens.
  • Be clear about the rules. Dr. Sonna urges parents to let it be known that breaking the rules will result in everybody being sent home, no matter what time it is. She also reminds parents not to expect your teen to be in charge of the goings-on. “You are the responsible party," she says.
  • Provide separate sleeping areas. Have boys and girls bunk down in different rooms and set a time for "lights out."
  • Set a party perimeter. Insist that invited guests stay in the house and yard and don't allow uninvited guests onto the property.

Most importantly, talk to your teen. “It's hard to go against the group," Reilly says. It's possible your teen doesn't want to go, but needs you to be the fall guy. But, if she does want to attend and you're uncomfortable, don't give in –no matter how much she pouts and cajoles. "Consider," points out Dr. Sonna, "that if you can’t hold firm when your child pressures you, you cannot expect your teen to say 'no' when pressured by peers."

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5 comments

Comments from readers

  1. Jan 19, 2009
    Nae' says:
    My daughter is 15 and has been dating her "boyfriend" for one year.  Somehow during the last few months we allowed them to stay at each other's houses.  There is parent supervision, but we are beginning to wonder if we have made a mistake in allowing this.  It just doesn't seem "right".  Opinions?  Thanks
  2. Mar 23, 2009
    Velnaa says:
    Honestly, you're all taking this way too far.
    If your child wants to have sex, he/she is going to do it no matter where they are.
    A Coed sleepover does not necessarily mean that they are going to all have one massive orgy!
    And if they do? what is the big deal. If your child really wants to have sexual relations he/she is going to do it in the middle of the day in their school bathroom if they want to.
    Get over it.
  3. Jun 9, 2009
    Donna says:
    The cooed sleepovers my son has asked to attend were not special parties, just a night that the kids wanted to extend.  Special parties I "might" consider, but for any other co ed sleepover NO WAY!
     
    There is no reason that teens need to spend time together after 11 pm.  Their brains are not formed enough to make good decisions, no matter what we have taught them.
     
    Co ed sleepovers are not needed, not right and all the mom's in my neighborhood agree..
     
    Yes teens will find the way to ave sex if they want, but I am not giving them the open door! I am just amazed that there are parents out there that will allow this, but then there are those parents who let their kids drink in their house and they think that is being responsible too!
  4. Aug 2, 2009
    Fred says:
    I know my parents tried to stop a lot of things.  I think if they were more open and educated me, I would have made better decisions.  Children want to have friends.  A child of the opposite sex who is kind and nice is better than of the same sex who made be mis-behaved.  I believe talking with your child and setting clear ground rules is the way to go.  You can't stop your child if your relationship with your child is I make the rules and you follow.  It doesn't work.  Look at prisoners in jail.  They are put in solitary and still break the laws of jail.  So, good luck to you in your parenting.  I hope you make great choices.  Just remember, you can't stop your child.  You can nuture and teach your child and then hope for the best.  It is really difficult to be a parent, but being a Hitler aint gonna help you.
  5. Nov 13, 2009
    miche says:
    I try to create the best environment for my child to thrive.  With a 15year old, our relationship is constantly a negotiation between us as individuals.  Currently, I say "no" to coed sleep overs, because I want him to be in the best environment, safest, most enriching.  The cross gender proximity, the sleepy late-night brains, the hormones, the cuddly pjs, peer pressure, unknown factor of other parents' monitoring . . . I don't see how coed sleep overs help him make good decisions at this point in his life.  I'm raising him with open, positive communication about sex.  As in sex is great and I hope that his sexual experiences are wanted, thoughtful, and enriching.  Flirting the night away is a blast, and going home at some point is an important safety hatch.  That doesn't make me Hitler, it makes me a good parent.

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