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September 7, 2008

Boys and Guns: Okay to Play?

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“Bang, bang, you’re dead!” For most of us, hearing such threats from a preschool boy is unsettling to say the least. But for Marjan Wilkes, a veteran California preschool teacher, such pretend play among her 4-year-old students is par for the course. "I might say ‘Aaargg’ and announce ‘I'm dead’," says Wilkes. She clarifies: “They know that I am pretending, and by joining in, I send the message that I know they are pretending, too.”

In the world of hot parenting topics, boys and imaginary gunplay ranks at the top. In a culture already filled with violent video games, TV programs and images of a real war, it can be unnerving to see an innocent child pretending to kill someone. Yet no study has yet linked pretend gunplay to future violent behavior, and most child experts agree that by forbidding gunplay entirely, parents give it far more power and will probably drive it underground.

Assuming you’re willing to take their word for it, what should you do? How can you allow your kids to “experiment” and use their imagination, guns blazing, without losing your cool? Here are a few tips:

Shaming Is Never Helpful
Despite our potential discomfort, we must be careful in how we deal with boys who want to play with pretend guns. “The last thing you want to do is shame your child – because that leads boys to mask their feelings and act with false bravado,” warns William Pollack, Ph.D., author of Real Boys. Instead, ask open-ended questions about the gunplay, and even play along to better understand your child’s perspective.


Other readers' comments on this article:

  1. i think kids playing toy play guns will affect them later in childhood or in the future.  There are so many other toys in this world that they could be playing with!  So i suggest parents to be more involved with their childfen and do things that is fun and safe.

    Posted by SHUNTELL TAFUNA on Aug 6, 2007 6:12 pm

  2. Guns don't kill people, people kill people.  Raise your kids with a respect for all life and then let them be kids.  If your a gun owner please store and lock them away properly.

    Posted by tupou netane on Aug 7, 2007 3:21 am

  3. I think kids should be outdoors playing and having fun, wheter or not it be with "guns". When I was growing up i would run around outside for hours playing with my toy guns. And now I am in law enforcement. It just goes to show that toys dont kill.

    Posted by W. Hawkins on Aug 28, 2007 11:39 pm

  4. I run a daycare/preschool, ages 3-5, and all of my boys and some girls play shooting games. I don't like it but have taught them not kill someone or say "I'm dead", we say you're invisible. I guess for me it's not as permanent.

    Posted by Dana on Sep 1, 2007 10:04 pm

  5. I am a mother of 4, 1 girl and 3 boys, and married to a police officer.  When each of the boys were younger, 3-4 yrs old, they were extremely interested in my husbands service weapon.  My husband would show them his gun(unloaded, of course), let them hold it, and explain to them what a gun will do to someone if you shoot them.  After that, even though they still played with their "guns" made of various objects, each son had an understanding of what guns can do.  They are now ages 12, 9 and 6.  The older boys have no interest in guns.

    Posted by Pat on Sep 2, 2007 6:36 pm

  6. I've worked with preschoolers for over 25 years. Every generation plays with imaginary guns.  One aspect of play is to try and understand the adult world. Girls play with dolls because they know that having a baby is something adult women experience. Boys play with guns because adult men and women go to war.  As long as war is a part of our world, boys will want to roleplay with guns.
    I certainly agree that talking to kids about peace is important and that banning gun play will give it much more power.  I like the idea of giving them objects that can be lots of different things with a little imagination.   Putnee

    Posted by Putnee on Oct 28, 2007 8:38 pm

  7. I think that this is a wounderful article. When i read it i had the notion that children palying guns were bad because they where imitation bad things, i realized that they dont mean any harm to it they do see it as something that would hert each other

    Posted by heather reich on Nov 15, 2007 4:03 pm

  8. I think that your article was very good, cause I really did think that kids playing with guns were really harmful.  Now that I realize how much they can't hurt each other with it it's okay with me.

    Posted by Shae on Dec 5, 2007 10:19 am

  9. As an educator, I always struggle with the notion of what I know to be the right step to take and the pressure we (teachers) get from other staff and parents to stop the "gun playing with objects that are not guns".  I believe many adults have forgotten the bliss and hardship to be a child, constantly learning about the world via games and sometimes being stopped by adults that would like to see the perfect world in their children.  I have found in my career that all plays are ok, we need to step in play with children and try to understand their motivation when they are rough and look mean... Not long ago, a child told me, he was playing not nice because he was jealous of the other children because I thought every one had a dad except him!!!!.... I was stunned by his candor at 3 and half he knew why he was playing some of those games.... Instead of saying NO let's learn to listen to our children, they will in turn listen to us and others later! cheers to all Laurence

    Posted by Laurence E Hadjas on Dec 10, 2007 6:59 pm

  10. I agree that guns don't kill people,people kill people. I live in the country in southern Indiana where hunting is a very common thing.I have a four year old who is very interested in wanting to go deer hunting like his grandpa and I do not see a thing wrong with him pretending to do so. He is being raised just as I was that guns are not toys and you always treat them with the respect they deserve. I believe if more people taught their children this way,maybe there wouldn't be all of this commotion on whether or not to let kids play with toy guns.

    Posted by christy shouse on Dec 19, 2007 12:25 pm

  11. I am a mother of 3 boys who live in South Georgia and in some parts of this country there are still traditional activities going on with children.  What happened to the days of boys playing outside with balls, toy guns and frogs?  Everyone needs to relax and stop trying to be so politically correct.  Let boys be boys.

    Posted by Carmen on Feb 27, 2008 1:50 pm

  12. I'm a new male preschool teacher and every time I'm forced by my supervisors to shut a boy down because he's role playing with legos or rolls of paper that he's using to simulate a gun I hate myself. When I was a kid I did exactly the same thing and yet I'm very aware of the danger involved and am personally in favor of gun control.
     
    I'm willing to trust that my 4 year old boys. I think that they already know the difference between play and reality even at that young age.
     
    Robert

    Posted by Robert Montgomery on Feb 29, 2008 10:10 pm

  13. What about the more violent/aggresive comments from preschoolers about guns?? I agree about gender role play being developmentally appropriate; however, as a preschool owner, now I hear "I am going to bring my gun from home and kill you!" (said from a 4 yr old boy to a 4 yr old girl).  The parents of both children were horrified and neither family has or supports guns.  Other examples we have recently heard are "I am going to tell my daddy to shoot you."   "I am going to buy a gun and kill you."  I believe those comments are a reflection of our violent society and what is available in the media, not the historic/traditional "boy growing up" appropriate play we thought it was years ago.  Any suggestions or ideas?  How can we stop this??

    Posted by Susan Miller on Mar 9, 2008 11:51 am

  14. I think that playing with toy guns is as natural as any part of a child's play.  What is wrong is the fact that so many adults try to make more out of it than necessary.  The system is trying to teach parents in a whole "new" way how to raise children.   There is no harm done when a child acts out shooting with a toy gun.  He can learn the hard stuff when he is older.  Don't put more into it and into his little head than he needs.  He is pretending for goodness sake and with a toy.  Children have done this for many years.  

    Posted by Susie on Mar 29, 2008 12:58 am

  15. Hi, just i want to say that using guns as a way of fun is neither a problem nor a violent game, since the  mental and socialbeliefs of the family's enviroment are reflected on child development;accordingly;parents should be always aware of how they deal with their child while using any kind of games.n

    Posted by marwa ozoor on Aug 12, 2008 2:30 pm

  16. I work with kids who see guns used inappropriately.  In rage, in drug deals, etc...  I have kids wanting to go around"killing" other kids.   Although I truly understand the "kids need to play it out" idea...I also strongly believe that as educators we simply say at school, it is my job to keep you safe. We can't have real guns or pretend guns here.

    Posted by lisa on Sep 4, 2008 12:02 am



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