Bully-Proofing Your Child
For any parent, it’s a nightmare to think that your child is being bullied at school. Maybe you find out from a friend; maybe from a teacher; if you’re very lucky, your child will tell you directly.
But then what? We turned to Nathaniel M. Floyd, Ph.D., child psychologist, popular anti-bullying speaker and executive director of the New York-based Institute for Violence Prevention.
Over the last three decades, he and other experts have noted that bullying is as widespread as ever. Fortunately, however, he is one of many professionals in the field who are determined to make a difference. The Institute for Violence Prevention is dedicated to a “public health” approach—one which emphasizes prevention and swift, early action. When adults work together, Floyd has found, the worst effects of bullying—such as long-term victimization—don’t have a chance to take hold.
So parents, listen up! If you hear about bullying, says Dr. Floyd, here are Four R’s for you:
1. RECOGNIZE what’s happening. Maybe your child is being teased or physically attacked; or perhaps just repeatedly shut out of a group. Your first step—after getting your breath back, of course-- is to listen to the facts, all of them. Don’t flinch. When you listen, you take a crucial first step in helping your child overcome victimization.
2. RELATE to the school. Tempting as it may be to withdraw, don’t. No school wants bullying problems, but even the most talented professional can miss furtive teasing, shoving, or exclusion. “Establish a relationship with the school,” Floyd urges. “Get involved…and identify a staff person” that you trust. Your school is not the enemy; bullying behavior is. Make the school your ally.
3. REPORT incidents. When your child describes any kind of bullying, you have a responsibility: report it. This can be frustrating at times, Floyd admits, especially if the school claims “it’s never happened before.” Remember though, they may not be aware of the problem yet; that’s your job. Try not to blame or get defensive, Floyd urges; but don’t back away either.
4. RECORD what has happened and how it was handled. Schools keep discipline records, but you need them too. Write down times, dates, and actions—and don’t hesitate to pull out the list and bring it back to school if something happens again.
Bullies, says Floyd, “make a school unteachable and unlearnable.” That’s the bad news. The good news, he says, is that when they handle bullying problems right, schools and parents can teach lessons about justice and safety that make a child stronger for life. So the next time you become concerned about something you’re hearing from school, remember your Four R’s. They can make all the difference.
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Comments from readers
I have the exact same concern as you. My daughter is going to 10th grade and she has been the victim of various bullies since 7th grade. I've seen her go from a happy, out-going child to a fearful child who has no friends and has such fear of rejection that she won't even attempt to make friends any more.
The one thing that she enjoys is tennis. She is on her high school tennis team and all of the other girls on the team shun her, make fun of her, and refuse to talk to her at all. She wants to quit tennis now because of these mean girls. Of course her coach doesn't see any of this (he's a man).
I am desperate for help as I simply cannot continue to sit and watch her become any more unhappy.
About 2 years ago I spoke with the mother of one of the girls and that was the worst thing I could have done. Instead of the mother helping and talking to her bully daughter, they had a good laugh and that girl told everyone about it at school the next day. My daughter was devastated. I think she now is afraid to tell me everything that happens because she fears I'll try to do something about it.
Someone help - my heart is broken.
I am so frustrated with the school that did nothing all during Jr. High to these bullies and it is starting again in High School
Does anyone have suggestions with what they had done and it was effective??
It's disgusting.
My child is not so much teased as he is excluded. Never a partner in gym, sit by himself at lunch, etc. The school just suggested that there is something wrong with our child. His teacher says he's great in class, well behaved and mature for his age. Perhaps if he was a hoodlum he'd fit in more.
My son is 12 and is in special education because he cannot learn to read. The school not doing what they should is a HUGE problem. I think they don't want to deal with him anymore, with all the meetings about his education and now problems with other students. The bullies are very good about knowing where the cameras are. We can never prove anything.
When my son did what we told him to do by going to an adult at school immediately to report when something happens. He was told by the school police officer "you just have to deal with it". My son went to the boy and hit him. He told me he thought the boy would leave him alone if he showed him he would not take it anymore. Instead the police officer charged him and now we are dealing with the juvenile court.
I realized we were on our own completely when the magistrate told us that all she was hearing was alot of excuses. She did not want to hear anything about the surrounding circumstances. I feel defeated and am unable to help my son. I have to send him every day to a place that I feel is harming him both physically and emotionally. It has changed him and that scares me. When all I can tell him is to just take it and when he comes home tell me about it because the school now has to send everything to the courts and I don't want him to have this huge record.
I think the school does not want to hear problems from anyone, normal or not. Nothing that would interfere with their excellent rating on the state report card. All I can truly do is let him know that I believe him and let him know school is not forever.