Reality shows: What would we do without them? Without Survivor, we'd never know how to start a fire with flint. Without The Bachelor, we'd never enjoy the entertainment of a live breakup. And without reality shows about parenting, we'd never feel so confident about our own parenting skills. Because let's face it: the world of reality moms is awash with serious parenting faux pas. If you're having a bad mommy day, the best prescription is to kick back and watch an episode of Dance Moms. You'll be feeling pretty good about your parenting skills afterward. Here are some of the best and unintentionally funny quotes from TV's worst parents.
1. "I didn't wanna take birth control because I didn't want to gain weight." This phrase was uttered by one of the poor, unsuspecting teens featured on Teen Mom. Real moms know that the grand irony of the subject is that you'll definitely gain more weight whilst pregnant than you would have if you just took the dam Pill. Hope you like maternity sizes, teen mom!
2. "You can't like every color of the rainbow, you can only like one!" A pageant mom on Toddlers and Tiaras said this matter-of-factly to the camera when her daughter couldn't choose her costume. What a fantastic lesson to teach your young and impressionable girl; you can't have options or choices. Just pick something and be done with it.
3. "She just pooped and went on her way. And she's been pooping like that ever since. She's an amazing pooper." The immortal words spoken by Kate Gosselin on Jon and Kate Plus Eight demonstrated the oft-practiced art of the mommy overshare. As a reminder to moms everywhere, no one, much less all of America, wants to hear about your child's bowel movements. And forevermore, her poor daughter is known as "the amazing pooper."
4. "I don't even like dancing. I'm only here because my mom said she'd buy me tacos." While this wasn't uttered by a mom, it was said by her poor daughter. Vivi-Ann, the child caught in the crosshairs of the all-out dance company war on Dance Moms, is typically used as a prop on stage by older dancers. She's been thrown around the Abby Miller Dance Company and moved to her mom's Candy Apples Studio, but all she really wants is a taco.
5. "The only way I could see him not winning this pageant is if he fell over dead." The pageant-crazed moms from Toddlers and Tiaras strike again with the fire of a thousand suns and unrealistic expectations. Nothing like admitting to your (male) pageant child that if he loses the title, he'd better be dead.
6. "It'll be like having a baby doll to dress up every day." If you were watching this episode of 16 and Pregnant, you probably spat out your contraband nap time Diet Coke. Moms everywhere know that having a baby is absolutely nothing like having a baby doll. For one, baby dolls don't cry. For two, it's OK to leave them in a hot car. FYI: the same mom whined that having a baby was like "being in prison" later on in the same episode. Yup, that's more like it.
7. "Taking care of Sophia is expensive too." In completely obvious parenting news, Farrah Abraham from Teen Mom drops the truth bomb that (spoiler alert!) kids are expensive! So expensive that she has to do some serious number-crunching before she can pony up the cash for her breast augmentation. Sigh. The life of a parent.
8. "All children are beautiful, it's just that some are more beautiful than others." Fastest way to give your kid a superiority complex? Paint her a picture of being one of the most beautiful children of all time. Reality moms know how to do it best, like this one on Toddlers and Tiaras. It makes sense; after all, she's putting a child in a contest to be judged for beauty, false eyelashes and her ability to parade on a stage.
9. "We're kinda like a lopsided, obtuse triangle all put together. Like a deformed shape." Aw, what a sweet way to describe your family. Uttered by the redneck matriarch of Here Comes Honey-Boo-Boo (yes, that's a real show) the idea that a family is just one big deformed shape applies specifically to a family obsessed with beauty pageants, the "redneck Olympics" and scratching their "bugs."
10. "I want to be a skinny pregnant person, like how my sister Kourtney looks so cute pregnant. I can't be a house [after] I just lost weight." Nothing sums up the miracle of life quote like lamenting over your potential baby weight gain, like Khloe does in Keeping up with the Kardashians. Meanwhile, every woman who doesn't look like an A-list celeb while gestating is happily digging into another pint of Ben & Jerry's and feeling oh-so-glad they don't have to worry about the paparazzi.