5 Things Parents Can Do to Squash Sibling Rivalry

Understand Where They’re Coming From

As a parent, it’s also important to understand where the sibling rivalry stems from. Realize that parents are often stricter with their first child than with subsequent children, so when your older child says, “That’s not fair! I wasn’t allowed to stay up that late when I was his age!” he might actually have a point.

And when your younger child says, “You used to drag us to all of her volleyball games when I was little, but she never comes to mine,” she may not be exaggerating. That doesn’t mean that you have to change the way that you parent now – when you have less time, more stress, and resources spread more thinly among your children – but it means that you can empathize with your children a bit more easily when they start to compare.

Let Kids Express Their Emotions

Recognize that childhood is a time when social skills are not yet fully developed. “Kids are still learning how to control feelings, how to cope with their anger,” says Cassatly. “Nobody is going to get under your skin more than those who you spend the most time with. Getting angry, expressing frustration or impatience, and even talking about how much they resent having a sibling – all of these are not necessarily anything terrible.”

So when your child comes over to you and starts venting about a sibling, refrain from offering excuses or pointing out that both children share the blame. Instead, show them that you understand how they’re feeling. Hear them out, and allow them to share their frustration, no matter who you think is “really” at fault.

Help Kids Work It Out

There is nothing more exhausting than playing referee between your children. So instead of hearing both sides and passing judgment, Cassatly suggests letting your children work it out independently. Especially with younger children, you may want to give them some tools to help them problem solve: “You could take turns with the toy, or you could play with it together. Which do you think would work better?” When children get old enough to be able to resolve their problems fully on their own, you can tell them that they need to work out a solution between themselves and let you know what they’ve come up with.

This will prevent parents from becoming involved in most arguments, but not all of them. “When it comes to getting more physical, parents do need to intervene,” says Cassatly. You can also have some house rules, such as what happens if a child hits, or what happens if two children want the same object.

As much as possible, though, keep emotion out of the picture when it comes to resolving fights. Instead, focus on the positive. “Remind kids about the importance of siblings sticking together,” Cassatly suggests. “And realize that they do ultimately care about each other. Praise them when they do something nice to each other, when they act mature, or when they look out for each other.” In time, you’ll see your children working out their differences, helping each other out, and growing closer together.

Do you have a baby on the way and want to nip sibling rivalry in the bud? Check out this article, "Sibling Rivalry: Prepare for a New Baby."