Ask the Child Psychologist

I Want To Stop Fighting With My Sister

by Lisa Medoff

Dear Readers,

Nicole posted a question on the discussion forum about fighting with her sister. She is concerned that she and her sister are always fighting, and she wants to know what to do.

There are very few adults who can say that they never fought with their brothers and sisters. Anybody that you spend a good amount of time with is going to get on your nerves eventually, no matter how much you love him or her. So the goal is not necessarily to eliminate fighting altogether, but to make the disagreements less frequent and less painful for both of you. You want to learn how to prevent fights from escalating, or getting increasingly emotional and filled with anger. Here are some ideas for how to do that:

• Work together with your sister to brainstorm ways to stop the fighting. Talk to her at a time when both of you are calm and are getting along. Tell her that the fighting is really bothering you, and you would like it to stop. Ask her what she thinks you can do to prevent fights from happening. Give her a chance to talk without you interrupting her, and then ask the same of her. Based on what you have said, make some rules about how you will both act when you are together, and write them down. Figure out together what the consequences will be if one of you breaks the rules.
   
• Try to fight in a healthy manner. There is nothing wrong with disagreeing, as long as you’re not being cruel or getting physical. Use what psychologists call “I-messages.” Start your sentences with, “I feel…” or “I was…” and be specific about what is bothering you. Then ask for what you would like to happen next time. For example, say, “I was upset when I saw you wearing my shirt today without asking me if you could borrow it. Next time, please ask me first.” This statement will get a much better response from your sister than, “You are so rude! You always take my stuff without asking!”
   
• Learn to walk away when fighting gets too intense. Tell your sister, “We are both getting too angry right now, and I don’t want things to get worse between us. I’m going in the other room until we are both calmer and can talk about this without getting so upset.”
   
• One technique for preventing fights from escalating is to learn to take a deep breath and count to five before you give any reply at all during a situation where you are arguing with your sister. This habit is a great one to get into for all relationships that you will ever have! It gives you a chance to think about what you are saying, rather than just blurting out a response that might make things worse.
   
• Another way to stop fights from getting worse is to stay quiet and calm. At a time when you would normally start to raise your voice in an argument, try lowering it instead. When you lower your voice, other people tend to lower theirs, as well, which automatically makes the conversation more civil.
  
• Take the responsibility for establishing a better relationship with your sister in general. Try to do at least one nice thing for her per day. Compliment her when she deserves it, and thank her when she does something nice for you. Ask her for help with things or invite her along when you go out – she may be starting fights with you because she wants your attention.
   
• Think of yourself as the role model for your sister. Treat her how you want her to treat you. When you are around her, act how you would want her to act as a representative of your family in the outside world.
  
• Ask your parents, or other adults that you know, if they have any suggestions. Don’t accuse your sister of anything – just ask the adults is they have any ideas that worked for them when it came to sibling fights.

Note to parents: If you have children that are constantly fighting, consider giving them a copy of this article, and give them a chance to work out the problems themselves.