Is There Such A Thing As Overparenting?
by Lisa Medoff
Dear Readers,
In this week’s column, I would like to address a problem that I see more and more with every year that I teach at the college level. Students have a difficult time handling the frustration of a low grade or tough assignments, are easily overwhelmed by stress, and don’t seem to have the skills to cope with minor setbacks. It seems that I am increasingly dealing with college students breaking down in tears in a meeting during my office hours. I am not the only person who sees this. Several of my colleagues have commented on similar trends, and many colleges have also noticed the higher levels of anxious and depressive disorders that are seen in their incoming freshmen.
There are many possible explanations for this phenomenon, but I am only going to talk about one today: parenting. Parents love their children and they want the best for them. That’s a given. However, sometimes while pursuing the best for their children, parents can actually end up doing them harm. Parents naturally want to protect their children, and many parents today go to extremes to protect their children from every bit of possible harm, whether it is physical or psychological. Unfortunately, the outcome can be exactly the opposite of what is intended; instead of growing up to be happy and confident, a child that is overprotected becomes fragile, anxious, and unable to cope with even the smallest problem.
It is natural to want your child to be happy and safe, but make sure that you are being moderate and realistic in your desire to protect your child. Keep the following ideas in mind:
- Children need to experience small amounts of disappointment, anger, and frustration throughout their lives. They need to have bad experiences every once in a while because they have to learn how to cope with the tough times that will inevitably befall them when you are not around to take care of them. Think of your children as being on loan to you from the world outside – you have just a few years to prepare them for what they will face out there without you. How are you going to do it?
- Make sure that your children are challenged. Don’t make things easy for them all the time. Then they expect everything to be easy, and they will completely shut down whenever it’s not. When everything in children’s lives is pre-arranged for them, it makes them afraid to take risks and causes high levels of anxiety whenever they have to do something on their own.
- Don’t clean up messes for your children. If they forgot about a paper that is due tomorrow, don’t stay up all night with them helping them write it. Don’t run to school at the last minute to drop off homework that was left at home. Let them learn how to plan and learn the consequences of not planning.
- Children need to learn delay of gratification, which means waiting for something that you want. Don’t give them everything they request right away. Let them wait for things, whether it is waiting a few minutes for your attention while you finish up a task, or a few months to get the newest technology gadget. Even better, make them work to earn the money to purchase that latest technology gadget. When children have to work for things, they learn the pleasure of a sense of accomplishment. They also build pride in themselves, which will make them stronger in the face of any difficulty.
- Involve children in activities that do not require constant adult supervision. Encourage them to play on their own and amuse themselves. Independent play allows children to develop social skills, as well as the ability to control and express their emotions. It also helps them develop leadership skills.
- Any time children ask you for help, your immediate response should be, “Try it for yourself. If you can’t figure it out, come back, tell me what you did, and I’ll see if I can help you.” Give children a chance to be self-sufficient when it comes to solving problems.
- Take the focus off of superficial signs of achievement (the grade, the college, the test score) and concentrate on the importance of learning new things. React to bad grades or other negative outcomes calmly with statements like, “What did you learn from that situation? What can you do differently next time?”
- Never contact teachers to solve a problem for your child unless your child has tried to solve the problem first. Then ask yourself if the problem is one that is going to seriously affect your child’s long-term ability to learn and/or feel good about himself. It is healthy for children to get used to dealing with people who are not particularly nice or completely fair.
- Think of yourself as more of an executive director of your child’s life, rather than a micromanager. Don’t examine everything they do or make a huge deal out of it. Constant examination makes everyone self-conscious and worried about failing to live up to expectations. Make sure children have guidance, supervision, and clear overall expectations for their behavior, but don’t control every action they take.
Lisa Medoff, Ph.D holds a B.A. in psychology, a master's degree in school counseling, and a Ph.D. in child and adolescent development. Although she’s worked with all types of children, for the past eight years, she has worked with students with special needs, such as ADHD, learning disabilities, depression and anxiety. She has taught courses in psychology and child/adolescent development at Stanford University, Santa Clara University, San Jose State University, and DeAnza College. She currently works as a resilience consultant for the non-profit Cleo Eulau Center, helping teachers at a low-performing elementary school understand issues of connectedness, special needs, and cultural sensitivity in order to build resilience in their students.
Want more info on this topic? Start a discussion with our diverse community. Start a discussion
Other readers' comments on this article:
Posted by Anonymous on Aug 11, 2008 9:52 pm