Worries About Sexual Abuse
by Lisa Medoff
Dear Dr. Medoff,
I have two daughters, one in preschool and one in elementary school. How can I protect them from sexual abuse without scaring them too much? From, Jackie
Dear Jackie,
We live in a society that sends very mixed messages to children in the area of sexuality. Sexual images seem to be everywhere we turn, but most people are still uncomfortable speaking frankly about issues related to sex, especially with their children. However, it is important that you establish a relationship with your children as early as possible that includes open communication about all matters, even sexual ones.
Children of all ages have questions about their bodies and sexual relations, and they will find the answers to these questions somewhere – from their friends, from books, or online. You want to make sure that your children are able to come to you so that you can make sure that the information they get is correct and healthy. You also want to make sure that they feel that they can come to you if they feel that their privacy has been violated in any way.
Here are some ideas for speaking to younger children about their rights to privacy when it comes to their bodies:
- Have ongoing, short conversations, not just one major discussion. Children need to hear any important lesson many times and in many different ways. Be calm so as not to scare them. Tell them that some adults can be trusted, but some cannot. Explain which adults in your child’s life can be trusted (such as grandparents) and which should not be (such as strangers).
- Teach your children which body parts are private. If anyone tries to touch them (other than a doctor during a check-up), your child should let you or a teacher know immediately. Even if she is unsure, it is always okay to ask.
- Answer questions about body parts and sex honestly, calmly, and in a nonjudgmental manner so that you establish a pattern of your child coming to you and trusting you.
- Tell your children that no adult or older child should ever tell them that there is a secret that you, the parent, cannot know about. They should come to you, even if the person said not to. Emphasize that you will always protect them from harm.
- Make sure that your child knows that you will never be angry if she tells you something that someone else did, or that she did because someone else forced her to or talked her into doing.
- Give your child the words to use if someone tries to touch her inappropriately or says something to her that makes her feel uncomfortable. Practice with her so that the words come automatically.
- Make sure that you know the parents of your child’s friends, that your babysitters come with references that you have checked out carefully, and that your child is never alone with adults or older children that you do not know. If you or your child feels uncomfortable around someone else for any reason, play it safe, and stay away from that person.
- Know that young children do not yet have the words or memory capacities to completely describe the actions of other people. Older children may have the skills to express themselves, but may feel uncomfortable. If you think that your child is trying to tell you something, let her know that she can act out what happened, draw you a picture, or write you a letter.
- If your child does come to you about an incident of sexual abuse (or if you suspect something is wrong), keep your child away from the person involved. Write down exactly what your child said and did. Share these notes with your pediatrician and/or a counselor that specializes in children who have been sexually abused. These professionals can help you figure out what to do, both in terms of reporting the incident and helping your child deal with what happened. It is extremely important that your child knows that you are on her side, that you believe her, that she has done nothing wrong, and that you will help her with whatever she needs.
Lisa Medoff, Ph.D holds a B.A. in psychology, a master's degree in school counseling, and a Ph.D. in child and adolescent development. Although she’s worked with all types of children, for the past eight years, she has worked with students with special needs, such as ADHD, learning disabilities, depression and anxiety. She has taught courses in psychology and child/adolescent development at Stanford University, Santa Clara University, San Jose State University, and DeAnza College. She currently works as a resilience consultant for the non-profit Cleo Eulau Center, helping teachers at a low-performing elementary school understand issues of connectedness, special needs, and cultural sensitivity in order to build resilience in their students.
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