Ask the Child Psychologist

Angry Around My Kids

by Lisa Medoff

Dear Readers,

Vera posted a comment about her three kids. They irritate her at most times, and she thinks that they hate her. She says that she loves them, but whenever they come near her, she gets angry. This problem is affecting her marriage. Vera wants to know how she can build a successful relationship with them.

One of the biggest illusions about parenting is that a good parent is thrilled to be with her children all the time. When someone is not happy around her children, she feels very alone. She thinks that she is not only a horrible mother, but also a terrible person. The truth is that parenting is an extremely difficult, non-stop job. No matter how much you love your children, it is impossible to love this tough job every minute of every day. So any mother that gets irritated once in a while by her children is not an evil person, but rather a very normal one. Children who receive warmth and love from their parents on a regular basis are not going to be seriously affected by the occasional irrational outburst.

However, a situation like Vera’s, where anger and irritation seem to be the norm, should be addressed immediately. Vera should give herself credit for recognizing the problem and asking for help, which says to me that she is a good, caring mother, who just needs some support and assistance.

Here are some ideas for Vera:

• Look at yourself as an individual. Is it only your kids that irritate you, or does it seem to be everything and everyone? Is there something about your life (other than your relationship with your kids) that you dislike? Find out how to change that. When we are not happy with ourselves, everyone else seems to irritate us.
• Often the targets of our anger are not the original source of it. Having children can bring up bad feelings from situations that occurred when you were their age, or you may feel resentful about the sacrifices you chose to make in order to have kids. You need to address where all of this anger is coming from, and consider sources other than your children.
• See a doctor to make sure that you do not have a physical problem. Sometimes irritation can come from being overly sensitive or in pain due to a physical ailment or change.
• Learn ways to manage your anger. One simple technique is to calm down by taking a few deep breaths and focusing on lowering your heart rate before you respond to your kids.
• Try an experiment. For one week, respond only with kindness to your children, even if they irritate you. Be careful about both your words and your behaviors when you are around your kids. Don’t be critical, judgmental, or sarcastic. Don’t roll your eyes or glare at them. Tell them you love them. Be on the lookout for good behaviors, and compliment your kids on what you see. Ignore bad behaviors unless they are dangerous or extremely mean. See if their behavior changes towards you.
• Remember, you are the adult. You have more control over your feelings and actions than children do. It is okay to discipline them for rude and inappropriate behavior, but you still need to respond with love and warmth to them even when they don’t show it to you.
• Talk to your kids one-on-one. Go do something together, even if it is just taking a short walk. Tell them that you know it has been unpleasant lately, but you love them and want to have a good relationship with them. Ask them what they think, and really listen to their answers without getting defensive. Change the unpleasant patterns of interaction by setting up as many fun and enjoyable activities that you can, both as a family and individually with each child.
• Talk to your husband about what needs to change for you to feel good about the family. Speak to a marriage counselor if necessary; a strong, healthy, low-conflict marriage is one of the best things that parents can give their kids.
• Get social support. Talk to other mothers and ask if they have ever been through a situation like the one you are in. Ask for their advice. Another good source of help is the school. Talk to your children’s teachers for their views on how to reach your kids.
• During this rough time, make sure that all of your kids have at least one adult in their lives that they can turn to for support, whether it is another family member, a coach, or a family friend.
• You may need to seek the help of a mental health professional. Sometimes constant irritability and anger with others can be an indication of a problem like depression.

Lisa Medoff, Ph.D holds a B.A. in psychology, a master's degree in school counseling, and a Ph.D. in child and adolescent development. Although she’s worked with all types of children, for the past eight years, she has worked with students with special needs, such as ADHD, learning disabilities, depression and anxiety. She has taught courses in psychology and child/adolescent development at Stanford University, Santa Clara University, San Jose State University, and DeAnza College. She currently works as a resilience consultant for the non-profit Cleo Eulau Center, helping teachers at a low-performing elementary school understand issues of connectedness, special needs, and cultural sensitivity in order to build resilience in their students.

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