I Can't!
by Lisa Medoff
Dear Dr. Medoff,
I have noticed that my seven-year-old daughter has automatically started saying that she can’t do something when she is asked to. It doesn’t seem to matter what it is, from homework to simple things around the house. How can I put a stop to this behavior? From, Chantal
Dear Chantal,
Try to put yourself in your daughter’s place and imagine how you feel when you think that you can’t do something. You might feel unsure of yourself and worried about what you would look like to others if you tried to accomplish something and failed. You may feel unsettled because you are in the habit of letting someone else do it for you, and you are thrown off by the sudden request for you to try it on your own. You might simply be feeling unmotivated and hope that the person making the request will just give up and do the task for you. Your daughter may not be able to analyze her own thoughts as you are able to do, but the underlying feelings are exactly the same.
Children can easily fall into the “I can’t” pattern, especially when parents (with the best of intentions) are quick to help them. However, when you immediately give in to a child who says “I can’t,” either by doing the task for them or excusing them from it completely, you are teaching your child a few negative lessons. You are teaching her that she does not have to try something at which she is not sure she will succeed, which means that she will not learn to face even the smallest challenges in her life. You are also teaching her that any time she wants to get out of doing an undesirable task, all she has to do is say that she can’t do it. Finally, you are showing her that you agree with her – that you don’t believe she can do it either.
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