Valentine's Day Woes
by Lisa Medoff
Dear Dr. Medoff,
Last year on Valentine’s Day, my daughter spent a lot of time making Valentine’s Day cards for her friends. She was very upset when she did not receive cards from kids that she thought were her friends. She was so hurt that she ended up staying home from school the next day to calm down. What can I do to prevent this problem from happening again? From, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Valentine’s Day can be a difficult day, not only for children, but for adults, as well. We are heavily influenced by movies and commercials that tell us that the cards and presents we give on Valentine’s Day are a direct measure of how much we care about someone. Therefore, we tend to have very high expectations of our friends and loved ones on Valentine’s Day. Those expectations are rarely completely met, leaving us disappointed and hurt.
Instead of being worried about repeating last year’s Valentine’s Day problems, make sure to use this year as an opportunity to teach your daughter some life lessons about healthy relationships, realistic expectations, and kindness to others. Here are some ideas for how to do that:
- Talk with your daughter about the idea that Valentine’s Day should not be the only day when you appreciate those that you care about. A true friend shows this appreciation every day. Therefore, a real friend should not have to give a card on a holiday just to prove that the friendship is strong, as long as she is good to you on a regular basis.
- Teach your daughter that she should do kind things for others, such as making them cards or doing them favors, because it feels good to make someone else happy. She should not give to others only in order to receive something in return.
- Be a good role model to show your daughter that you do not expect the people in your life to shower you with presents just to show that they love you, on Valentine’s Day or any other holiday. Love and friendship should be measured by how someone treats you, respects you, and makes you feel, not simply by how much money he or she is willing to spend on you.
- Teach her how to handle hurt feelings. Do not let her stay home from school again. This experience is a good chance to help her learn to deal with rejection. Unfortunately, this will probably not be the last Valentine’s Day (or birthday, Christmas, etc.) where she will not get a card or present from someone that she hopes to get something from. Tell her that it is okay to be upset for a while and talk about her feelings, but she needs to find ways to distract herself and make herself feel better.
- Remind her that there may be reasons that she does not know about as to why she did not receive a card from others. Perhaps they could not afford to buy cards this year, or maybe they simply forgot that it was Valentine’s Day.
- Consider making Valentine’s Day a day of giving to others, so the focus is on the feelings of other people, instead of her own. Spend less money purchasing cards and candy, and have her pick a charity to donate that money to. Make Valentine’s Day a day to volunteer at a homeless shelter or work for another good cause. Help her remember how hurt she felt when she didn’t receive cards, so she needs to take extra care to make cards for the kids she knows that she thinks may not receive any.
- Teach her to be critical of commercials that she sees that show Valentine’s Day, or other holidays where gifts are expected, in an idealized light.
- Talk to her teacher ahead of time to see how Valentine’s Day will be handled in the classroom so that you can better prepare your daughter. Many teachers have an all-or-nothing rule: if children are handing out cards at all, they must have one for everyone.
- Unless the other children are being deliberately cruel to your daughter, not only on Valentine’s Day, but at other times as well, resist the urge to step in and talk to the teacher and/or the children’s parents. Your daughter will benefit from having to handle these types of problems on her own (with your support, of course!).
Lisa Medoff, Ph.D holds a B.A. in psychology, a master's degree in school counseling, and a Ph.D. in child and adolescent development. Although she’s worked with all types of children, for the past eight years, she has worked with students with special needs, such as ADHD, learning disabilities, depression and anxiety. She has taught courses in psychology and child/adolescent development at Stanford University, Santa Clara University, San Jose State University, and DeAnza College. She currently works as a resilience consultant for the non-profit Cleo Eulau Center, helping teachers at a low-performing elementary school understand issues of connectedness, special needs, and cultural sensitivity in order to build resilience in their students.
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