Dealing With Disasters
by Lisa Medoff
Dear Dr. Medoff,
A lot of people in our area have lost their homes due to the wildfires this summer. We had to evacuate for a few days, but are now safely back in our house. What can I do to help my children deal with what happened to our community? From, J.S., California
Dear J.S.,
When a disaster or tragedy occurs, children, like everyone else, will be scared and confused. Their belief that the world is a predictable, happy, and safe place to live will have been shaken at an earlier age than usual. Children will have a difficult time processing what happened, and will need a lot of support from adults to identify and express their emotions. They will also need adults to model for them how to handle the situation with strength and calmness. Parents will need to work hard to give their children a sense of safety and security.
Ideas for helping children cope with tragedy that hits close to home include:
- Demonstrate composure and control. If you are overly anxious or fearful, your children will pick up on it, which will make them more worried. If you feel shaken and upset, make sure to take a few deep breaths to calm yourself down before you speak to your children about what happened. It is okay for your children to know that you are/were scared or worried, but they should always see that you are in control and will protect them. Deal with your own anxieties about what happened by speaking with friends or professionals, but do not use your children to vent your emotions.
- Help children express their feelings. Let them know that it is okay to feel scared or angry. Listen to them and help them label their feelings. Draw pictures or write stories to assist them in expressing themselves. Brainstorm together about ways to help them feel better.
- Be honest with your children about what is going on. We all worry more when we think that we only have part of the story. Tell them in a straightforward manner exactly what happened, but be brief and concrete. Encourage them to ask questions, and answer them honestly. If you don’t know the answer, say that you don’t know, and find out.
- Constantly tell children that they are safe. Demonstrate to them what mechanisms are in place to warn them of danger and help protect them in case of emergencies. Talk to them about the different professionals that are working to keep them safe (police, fire fighters, military, etc.) and how much training these professionals go through in order to do their jobs well.
- Re-establish your household routines as soon as possible. Routines make children feel safe and restore the belief that the world is a predictable and controllable place. A sense of predictability and control cut down on feelings of stress.
- Spend extra time with your children for the first few weeks after the disaster or tragedy. Offer lots of physical contact, such as holding them or sitting close to them.
- Limit media exposure about the event. It is okay to watch a little bit of news coverage to get information, but do not let them watch the same dramatic images over and over again. Spend family time reading, listening to music, or playing board games, instead of watching television, especially right before bedtime.
- Empower your child by figuring out a way to help the victims as a family. Clean out closets to donate items to victims, talk about how to raise money for local charities, or simply write a letter together expressing support for people who lost homes or family members.
- Monitor changes in your child’s behavior, such as eating, sleeping, starting fights, or becoming shy and withdrawn. Recognize that every child will be affected differently and will have different needs. If your child seems to be reacting with extreme fear, worry, or anger, consult a mental health professional.
Lisa Medoff, Ph.D holds a B.A. in psychology, a master's degree in school counseling, and a Ph.D. in child and adolescent development. Although she’s worked with all types of children, for the past eight years, she has worked with students with special needs, such as ADHD, learning disabilities, depression and anxiety. She has taught courses in psychology and child/adolescent development at Stanford University, Santa Clara University, San Jose State University, and DeAnza College. She currently works as a resilience consultant for the non-profit Cleo Eulau Center, helping teachers at a low-performing elementary school understand issues of connectedness, special needs, and cultural sensitivity in order to build resilience in their students.
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