Help With Shyness
by Lisa Medoff
Dear Readers,
Jamell posted about wanting help for being shy and being afraid to talk to people. Being shy is a very common problem, so don’t be too hard on yourself. Everyone experiences some degree of shyness in different social situations. Even people that seem to be very outgoing may feel shy when they are with a new group of people or when they are with people that intimidate them for some reason.
It is also important for you to know that there is no definition of what is normal when it comes to being shy or outgoing. Some people are just more comfortable being alone (or being with just one other person), and there is nothing wrong with that. So don’t push yourself to be somebody that you’re not if you’re the kind of person who just likes to do solitary activities.
However, if you really do want to interact with others and spend time in groups, but have a hard time doing so, there are things that you can do to slowly push yourself to be less shy. Look at the ideas below and see which ones you would like to try first:
- Show outer signs of confidence, even if you don’t feel that way inside. Hold your head up and stand straight. Make eye contact with people for a few seconds at a time (making eye contact for too long makes people uncomfortable). Confident people take up space, as if they are entitled to be wherever they are, so make sure that your arms are loose at your sides and your feet are a few inches apart. Even if you don’t feel confident on the inside, people will assume from your body language that you really are, and they will start to treat you as such.
- Starting a conversation with someone new is one of the hardest things to do. Have a few simple opening lines on hand such as, “I haven’t met you yet. I’m Lisa.” Asking people for information is another good way to start a conversation, since it makes them feel good about helping you out.
- We all feel better when we walk into a situation that we have prepared for, so prepare for a social interaction in the same way that you would study for a test. Think about what topics might come up, and look up a few facts about these topics so you’ll be confident about what you can add to the conversation. Practice making a few of these statements out loud, so that they feel easy to say and sound natural.
- Watch people who don’t seem to be shy. How do they act? What do they say? How do they use their body? What are their facial expressions like? What can you learn from them and use for yourself?
- Get family members and good friends to help you practice starting conversations with others and talking in groups. Role-play different situations in which you tend to feel shy and ask your family and friends to give you honest feedback.
- Learn to relax before you enter a social situation. Stop in the restroom for a few minutes and focus on slowing down your breathing and heart rate by taking very slow, deep breaths.
- Many people who are shy are very critical of themselves. They look at their own behavior very closely, instead of really participating in conversations with other people. So try to focus on the person you are talking to, rather than on yourself. Try to stop worrying about looking awkward or saying something embarrassing, and just listen to what the other person is saying.
- Shyness can also come from self-consciousness and low self-esteem. Find ways to build up your self-esteem so that you are not always worried about other people judging you in a negative way. Get some exercise, wear clothes that you feel good in, try a new hairstyle, etc. If you’re always feeling like you’re not as smart as the people around you, then do something about it – read the newspaper on a daily basis, take a class, or take a trip to the library to find some interesting books.
- Give yourself small assignments, like just saying hello to someone in a parking lot or trying to strike up a conversation with a person behind you in a line. It won’t matter if you mess up, since you’ll never see that person again.
- Sign up to take lessons, such as art, cooking, music, or sports, in a group. It will be easier for you to interact with a group when you are taking a lesson because the activity will be focused on what you’re learning. You will also have a ready-made topic of conversation, since you are all there because you’re interested in the same thing.
- Consider going to a local support group for people who are shy. It will give you a chance to learn from others and practice social skills in a group where everyone really understands what you are going through.
Lisa Medoff, Ph.D holds a B.A. in psychology, a master's degree in school counseling, and a Ph.D. in child and adolescent development. Although she’s worked with all types of children, for the past eight years, she has worked with students with special needs, such as ADHD, learning disabilities, depression and anxiety. She has taught courses in psychology and child/adolescent development at Stanford University, Santa Clara University, San Jose State University, and DeAnza College. She currently works as a resilience consultant for the non-profit Cleo Eulau Center, helping teachers at a low-performing elementary school understand issues of connectedness, special needs, and cultural sensitivity in order to build resilience in their students.
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