Ask the Child Psychologist

Shy About Middle School

Dear Dr.  Medoff,
We just moved to a suburb of Chicago.  My daughter started a new middle school and is having a hard time making friends.  She is naturally shy.  We do not know how to help her.  From, Catherine M., Chicago, IL


Dear Catherine,
Middle school is a difficult time for all kids because there are so many changes occurring, including new schools, the formation of new friendship groups, and physical changes that bring on heightened self-consciousness.  On top of the typical stressors that all middle-schoolers face, your daughter is also adjusting to the move.

The result can be an intensified insecurity that raises your daughter’s normal level of shyness.  In addition, developments in the brain allow kids to begin to take the perspective of others.  While this is an important skill, it can create an enormously high level of self-consciousness, as kids use this new ability to constantly imagine how others are evaluating them.  Even as adults, we often worry about doing or saying the wrong thing, but for middle-schoolers, it can be paralyzing. The following suggestions will help ease your daughter’s transition into both adolescence and her new social world:

• Respect your daughter’s temperament and individuality.  Do not push her to be someone she is not.  Focusing on her shyness will make her even more self-conscious, as well as make her feel as if she is letting you down.  Instead, give her positive attention for her strengths.

• Is your daughter unhappy?  Make sure you are not projecting your own experiences, desires and insecurities on to her.  Some kids are just happier doing activities alone.  As long as she has the social skills necessary to succeed in school and make a few good friends, there is nothing wrong with being introverted.

• If she is indeed unhappy, offer to help her if she wants, then drop it.  Let her know you are there for her, but allow her to come to you.  

• Ask your daughter what she thinks would help her talk to other kids.  Make a list together of specific things she can do to approach particular kids.  Encourage her to pick one thing at a time to try.  Give her lots of positive attention even if she just tries, but cannot follow through.

• Have realistic expectations that progress will likely be slow.  Don’t draw attention to her shyness, and definitely do not label her as shy.  Instead, give her attention for times when she exhibits more outgoing behavior.

• Give her small chances to practice social skills with adults, such as ordering dinner for the family in a restaurant.  

• What are her interests?  A lot of shyness results from a lack of self-confidence, so help her find activities that she enjoys and can succeed at.  It does not need to be a group activity, such as a team sport. Even more individual activities, such as art or cooking, will put her in contact with other kids her age.  

• Start small.  Encourage her to invite one person over for a special activity.

• Role-play with her.  Think about how much more confident you are when you walk into a social situation and know that you have prepared topics of conversation.  You can have fun with this – do some improvisation based on her favorite movie, book, or television characters.  Pick some good role models – either characters or people you know.  Ask her how she thinks they would handle the situation.  

• Get involved as a parent – volunteer in the school or participate in neighborhood activities so you can meet other parents and build stronger ties to the community as a family.

• Find her a high school or college aged mentor, so she can practice social skills in a safe place while interacting with someone closer to her own age.  

• Have her tutor or baby-sit younger children.  This is another chance to build self-esteem and practice social skills in a safer environment.

• Help her keep in touch with old friends via email/instant message, letters, and/or phone calls.  Again, this will make her feel more secure, help her adjust to the change, and allow her to keep practicing her social skills.