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Sibling Competition

Dear Dr. Medoff,

My two boys are fourteen months apart, and they are very competitive with each other, in everything they do. I worry sometimes that their rivalry gets too nasty and will seriously damage their relationship. It’s also not too pleasant for others to be around. What can I do to make their relationship better? From, Corinne

Dear Corinne,

While some degree of rivalry takes place among all siblings, the competition may be even more intense when siblings are closer in age. The nearer in age children are, the more similar they will be in terms of their physical and intellectual skills, as well as their desire for parental attention and approval. They may have the same group of friends and participate in similar activities. It may also be more difficult for you, as parents, to refrain from comparing children who are around the same age.

Another problem that all parents must face is that we live in a very competitive society that tends to focus on winning at all costs and beating others, rather than on improving one’s own strengths. It is hard to insulate your family from outside influences, and it is not necessarily practical to do so, as children will still need the skills to survive in a competitive world. However, there are steps that you can take as a parent to decrease sibling competition within your own family, as well as foster your children’s ability to form positive relationships with each other and with peers.

 

• Sibling competition is often caused by a need for attention and recognition from parents. Spend an uninterrupted amount of time alone with each child at least once a week. You can do something quick and easy like taking a walk around the block or driving to get ice cream. Turn your cell phone off and ignore any other intrusions. Give each son a chance to talk about whatever he wants and show him that you are really listening by asking questions. When each child is alone with you, he will not have to compete for your attention. Make it clear that your time together is private and what is discussed will not be shared with other members of the family.
• Monitor yourself for instances where you might be showing favoritism in any way. Favoritism is not healthy for either child, as the “favored” child may feel a great burden to maintain perfection, and the other child may push harder, using dirty tactics, to get attention. It is certainly reasonable to expect that older children would have different responsibilities and privileges or that smaller children might need more adult interference, but make sure that differences in treatment have a fair basis.
• Do not make comparisons between your children, as comparisons serve to further promote competitiveness. Be on the lookout for comparisons in disguise, such as, “Someday you’ll be able to play baseball like your brother.” Instead, highlight things that each child is good at, even if they are just small things.
• Do not even talk to your friends or family about one child being better than the other. You never know what little ears are listening, and even if no one is listening, you want to get yourself out of the mindset of comparing your kids.
• Reinforce the idea that everyone is good at something different, and no one is great at everything. Seek out each child’s unique talents and abilities, and encourage participation in different activities where comparison is less likely.
• Promote cooperation in your children as much as possible. Give them chores where they must work together in order to get something they both want, and tell them that you do not want to know who put in the most effort.When one needs help, tell him to ask his brother first before he comes to you. Have them work together to do some sort of volunteer work that helps others. Tell your children that you will not be part of any conversations that involve comparisons with their siblings.
• Make sure that you and the other adults in your children’s lives are not demonstrating overly competitive behavior. Show your children that you are concerned about improving your own abilities, rather than focusing on having more or less than others. Try to expose your children to activities and media that are not solely based on competition and beating others.

Lisa Medoff, Ph.D holds a B.A. in psychology, a master's degree in school counseling, and a Ph.D. in child and adolescent development. Although she’s worked with all types of children, for the past eight years, she has worked with students with special needs, such as ADHD, learning disabilities, depression and anxiety. She has taught courses in psychology and child/adolescent development at Stanford University, Santa Clara University, San Jose State University, and DeAnza College. She currently works as a resilience consultant for the non-profit Cleo Eulau Center, helping teachers at a low-performing elementary school understand issues of connectedness, special needs, and cultural sensitivity in order to build resilience in their students.