Teen Discipline
Dear Dr. Medoff,
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As your child ages, try to focus on only the most important rules. Be clear about these rules. Talk this through with your partner and other caregivers to make sure everyone is consistent with rules and consequences.
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When a rule is broken explain exactly which rule it is, state how it has been broken and remind your child of the consequences. Follow through.
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Explain why you have chosen these rules. “Because I said so,” is not an effective response for dealing with teenagers. Make it clear that your job is to protect and teach. Show them how your rules accomplish these tasks.
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Be willing to negotiate. When both you and your child are calm and open to discussion have a meeting about the rules of the house. You don’t have to give in, but show respect for him and consider his ideas.
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Pick your battles. Avoid criticizing your child. The teen years are a time to experiment with identity – let them pick their own clothes, hairstyle, wall posters, music, books, television, etc., unless you have a reason to protect them from a certain type of media or a revealing style of clothes. The less you criticize about the little things, the less tense your relationship will be, and the more seriously your children will take you when it comes to the big things.
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Model good behavior. Make sure your teen sees you following the rules of the house and of society in general. It's okay to have different rules for children and adults, but whatever the rules are, follow them!
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Let your child take responsibility for her actions. Don't bail her out of minor situations, such as writing a note to the teacher for an assignment she forgot to do, or giving her extra money for the weekend when she spent her allowance on clothes. Instead, offer to help her plan next time to make good decisions.
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Try to be as calm as possible when a rule is broken – take a few deep breaths, or tell your child that you are too angry to speak to him right now. Don't scream at, insult, or use sarcasm with your child, and then expect him to refrain from doing the same. Tell your child how his behavior makes you feel and explain the consequences.
Lisa Medoff, Ph.D holds a B.A. in psychology, a master's degree in school counseling, and a Ph.D. in child and adolescent development. Although she’s worked with all types of children, for the past eight years, she has worked with students with special needs, such as ADHD, learning disabilities, depression and anxiety. She has taught courses in psychology and child/adolescent development at Stanford University, Santa Clara University, San Jose State University, and DeAnza College. She currently works as a resilience consultant for the non-profit Cleo Eulau Center, helping teachers at a low-performing elementary school understand issues of connectedness, special needs, and cultural sensitivity in order to build resilience in their students.
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