Mr. Teacher

Yes, I Am a Veritable Giant

by John Pearson

Working with young children, there are several things that I hear quite frequently. I'm not even talking about things like, "I'm telling!" or, "I have to use the bathroom, it's an emergency!" or even, "Six plus one is nine!"-- though I certainly hear those things more often than I'd like.

I'm talking about when my kids tell me things that I already know, and they say these things in a tone that implies that I do not in fact already know.

An example. We have only been in school for six weeks, but I am not exaggerating when I say that I have had kids tell me, "You're tall," about 700 times. There's no sense of wonder or horror when they say this, as in, "Golly gee willakers, you're tall! Please don't eat us!" Rather, their tone is casually informative, the same tone they would use if they were telling me my shoes were untied or my zipper was open.

Another instance of my kids stating the bloody obvious comes when a classmate is absent. When it's time to line up for lunch, I call the kids by table."Table three, line up." The kids all shout, "Sarah's absent!" like I hadn't already noticed.

This is when my sarcastic side inevitably comes out in full force. I will reply, "Oh, well then I guess Sarah doesn't have to line up!" Or, taking another approach, I might gasp in surprise and say, "WHAAAAAAAT??!?!? Sarah's not here?? Who have I been talking to for the past hour??"

Of course, since the kids don't really understand sarcasm at this point, they stare at me uncomprehendingly, as if I was speaking Russian or talking about subtraction.