Ask the Child Psychologist

Childhood Fears

Dear Dr. Medoff,
How can you help a child deal with fears and nightmares, when as a grown-up, you think they are silly?
--Nadya W., Geneva Switzerland

Dear Nadya,
It is very important to build trust and communication with your child at a young age so that he or she will feel comfortable coming to you with fears in the future.  As your children grow, their fears may not seem so silly to you, and you will want to be involved in handling them.  How you deal with them now affects how they will approach you with more serious problems later.  Children’s brains are not as developed as those of adults, so they cannot think logically about their problems and come to the conclusion that their fear is unfounded.  Keep that in mind, as well as the following points:

• Validate your child’s feelings.  Think about how you would feel if you had a very realistic fear and your spouse or friend told you that you were just being silly.  Encourage him to talk about exactly what is frightening him, and respond, “I understand that you’re feeling scared,” or “I know you feel very frightened right now.”  You create strength and confidence by showing your child that you respect his feelings.

• Fears arise when we are insecure and uncertain.  Limit uncertainty through routine, and constantly reassure your child that your job is to keep her safe.  Say, “I know you are scared, but mommy and daddy are here to protect you.  We will never let anyone hurt you.”  Show her what you do to protect her, such as locking the doors every night.  Ask her what else she thinks you need to do to protect her.  Take her response seriously.  Ask, “What can I do to help make you feel better?”  If he doesn’t know, offer concrete solutions, such as checking the closets with a flashlight before bed or putting a nightlight on.  

• Create a pattern or ritual for going to bed, such a reading a story, checking the closets for monsters, turning on the nightlight, and then saying “I love you and I’ll see you in the morning,” as you walk away.  Be creative and have fun with this ritual.  Make it special for your child.  Do it every night.

• Be consistent with rules about bedtime, such as what time he must go to bed or if he is allowed to sleep in your bed when he is scared.  Decide this ahead of time, and stick to it, even if he gets upset.  You may want to ease into it, such as saying, “You can sleep in my bed tonight, but starting tomorrow, you will sleep in your own bed,” or, “Tonight, we’ll leave the lights on, but tomorrow we only leave one light on, and then the next night, all lights are off.”  Remind him throughout the day what will happen that night so he is prepared.  Again, it is important to follow through!  In the mornings, be sure to tell him how brave he was and how proud you are of him for sleeping in his own bed all night.

• Pay attention to what your child is exposed to throughout the day.  What is she seeing or hearing that makes her scared?  For example, are you listening to news reports that contain violent stories while you cook dinner?  Is she watching television or movies that contain scary images (try to think about what would scare a child, not necessarily what would be scary to an adult)? What does she overhear adults talking about?  Does she have older siblings or cousins that talk about things that could potentially frighten her?  Try to control her environment until she is a bit older and better able to process fear-inducing events.