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beachgirl
beachgirl asks:
Q:

10 year old spoons with father - please help me understand.

My boyfriends daughter is ten and likes to spoon with her father she lays her legs all over him ,reaches up to be kissed constantly. She is very clingy and hangs all over him holding his hand no matter where we go. She sits next to him in truck and rest head on him. She sits beside him on sofa while holding his hand the whole time. The problem is she doesn't do with with her mother. They have been divorced for eight years,and he had one other girlfriend for four years. I think this is why it didn't work from what I gather. I have two girls from previous marriage ages seven and nineteen and neither one of my girls did this with their father. They kiss and hug him good by or hello, and occasionally sit on his lap. I have never experienced this before from any child I know so I am not sure how to handle this. I talked to him and he said see just misses him alot. He sees her two days on one week and six days on other week. please help me understand this or should I run away. thanks
In Topics: My child's growth and development, Fatherhood, Blended families
> 60 days ago

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Expert

Wayne Yankus
Aug 7, 2009
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What the Expert Says:

This is inappropriate for a ten year old female. Your instincts are correct.  This young girl needs counseling about her insecurities and behavior.  However, it does not seem that dad is doing much to correct this posture, and that remains an issue.  Why is he not stepping up to the plate to correct this?  I would speak to him first about how as a mother of daughters, you find this out of the ordinary and bothersome to you.  Ask the daughter to sit next to you as you are the adult and will sit next to her father. A loving blended family can happen with all of you but all parties need to come clean about the behavior.

Wayne Yankus, MD, FAAP
expert panelist: pediatrics
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Additional Answers (5)

Dawnwalters1116
Dawnwalters... writes:
Be very careful as a victim of a pedofile. Some behavior is not appropriate. This is not a behavior that should be encouraged. She may  miss her dad  but it is crossing lines. Not saying he's a pedofile but such behavior should be  discouraged and not encouraged.This is her dad not her husband. I would be upset by this behavior.
> 60 days ago

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SPEDHighSchoolTeacher
SPEDHighSch... , Student, Teacher, Parent writes:
This type of behavior would be considered questionable through the eyes of an educator. If her friends come over and observe this behavior, they will tell their parents. This may result in social services visiting your residence for possible child abuse. While it may have been "cute" in her younger years, it is not socially acceptable and frowned upon at her age. Seek counseling for him and his daughter. Since you do not have any ties with this person, I suggest leaving.
> 60 days ago

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beachgirl
beachgirl writes:
Hi, they do go to consuling now for her not wanting to come to our house because she doesn't like that we touch or kiss or sleep in the same room. I never been to a session only mom and my boyfreind. Neither one has ever told the professional about her clinging ness. But my boyfreind and I had a talk and he talked to her about her behavior and she has seemed to understand thats not what ten year olds do. She has so many issues I think most come from mom telling her that dad will be taken from her or mom is so mean to her maybe she is starving for affection haven't figured it out yet . She also slept with both parents until this year and has very low self esteem and is very overwieght. She was in consuling before when she was five for same issues. Now mom found out she was pregant and no boyfreind and told her and how it happened, two weeks after that she lost the baby.This child knows way to much and has mother with bad parenting skills I guess. Atleast she is in consuling and maybe they can save this child.
> 60 days ago

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amico
amico writes:
As a father of 3 daughters I understand how one would feel the way you do about this relationship. Conventional psychology would consider this improper behaivor. However it is impossible to make an accurate analysis without knowing something about the back grounds of the individuals. Humans are extremely complex creatures. If everything could be answered from a text book the world would be easy to manage. I can only speak from my own experience. My wife divorced me when my youngest daughter was 10. It was difficult for both of us.
My daughter saw the effects on me & felt that she had to protect me from any more possible emotional pain. I guess it was sort of a mother instinct. At any rate there was no spooning, but every relationship is different. Children are more aware than adults give them credit for. It appears that your boy friend has let his emotions get  control of his better sence. Perhaps you should have a rational conversation with him
give him a chance to express his thoughts on this matter. But be prepared for a possible defensive reaction. The sheding of light on this subject my be all that is needed to make him aware of what he is doing
& cause him to make the proper corrections. Look for the best first!
> 60 days ago

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joj68
joj68 writes:
My fiance's 10 yr old daughter does the very same thing...she lives full time with us and very rarely is made to go visit her mom. I feel the same way that you do and I have never seen anything like it. I went to see a counselor thinking it was me being jealous of my soon to be step daughter and she said that this behavior at her age was very inappropriate and needs to be corrected. I doubt whether my fiance will ever take her to counseling because he thinks she'll grow out of it but deep in my heart I feel it would definately benefit us all.  gGood luck to you.
> 60 days ago

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