lovemykids2 asks:

14 year old mad at me

My 14 year old daughter is totally mad at me, tells her friends she doesn't like me, that I hover and that I won't stay out of her business.  The latter is true, I don't stay out of her business and I agree I have gotten in the middle of her relationship with her boyfriend.  I told her he was probably cheating on her among other things.  She has asked me to stop talking to her about it several times but I can't keep my mouth shut.  She told her boyfriend what I had been saying and he confronted me.  I told him I did say those things now he is mad at me too.  How can I fix this?
Member Added on Jun 11, 2010
The girl that my daughter's boyfriend cheated with (he kissed her at school but later confessed to my daughter) and whom broke up her relationship with her boyfriend twice has now (from what I can see) succeeded in breaking them up.  She sent a text to my daugther telling her that her boyfriend has still been talking to her among other things.  I told my daughter to be careful that this girl has an ulterior motive.  She talked to her anyway now her boyfriend is mad at her for talking to this other girl and my daughter is mad at him because she said he lied to her by telling her he wasn't talking to her.  He sent me a text and said he did not talk to her and that this girl is just trying to start trouble.  Well she succeeded.  Now though my daugther is mad at him and he is mad at her because he told her not to talk to this girl.  What should I do, stay out of it?  
Member Added on Jun 14, 2010
Okay so how long do I have to bite my tongue?  My daugher's boyfriend broke up (for the third time) with her for talking to the "other" girl.  He is blaiming the breakup on my daughter for lying to him (she didn't tell him when he asked if she talked to her - she said no) and for two days continued to not tell him everything that was talked about.  So to me its just an excuse.  The problem is not that he broke up (that I am glad of) but that he is 1) making her feel  like it is her fault and she has been telling him she is sorry for two days and 2) she doesn't beleive a word that the girl told her now so I think she will go back with her boyfriend if he wants to.  He had sex with her I am sure.  He denies it but Im pretty sure he has been playing double duty with both girls. He just got caught.  He is texting my daughter constantly still and the trouble with that is, why?  I would like to call his parents but that would just make my daughter hate me.  Do I just need to sit back and bite my tongue?  In the meantime, none of her friends call her anymore and she is not socializing.  She waits around to see if she will get to see him.
In Topics: Teen issues
> 60 days ago



Jun 9, 2010
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What the Expert Says:

Welcome to the world of teenage drama! thankfully there's always an opportunity for a parenting "take two" as long as you are truly committed to making it happen.

Your daughter is angry with you because you are pointing out her flaws: she is in a relationship that isn't working with a guy that isn't treating her well. I suspect that you are pointing out other things about you (and him) that you don't like about her as well. At 14, she doesn't have enough ego strength, or a strong enough self esteem to handle your criticism (let's face it, sometimes even as adults we don't handle criticism about ourselves very well!), so I can understand why she's shutting you out and turning to the cheating boyfriend for support.

So, now what can you do to fix the situation? Here are a set of steps that will help you repair your relationship with her:

1.Apologize! Tell her you are sorry for being so critical of her and him. DO NOT qualify the apology by saying you only did it because you're worried about her or because he cheated on her etc. Simply say you are very sorry that you have been so critical and so in her business.

2. Turn it around! It is very, very difficult to be a young teen--I think perhaps the toughest time in life. She needs you to stop focusing on the negatives, her mistakes and the bad parts of what she's doing and pay attention to the positives, the parts of her that you are proud of and that make you feel good. When you start to do this, she will start to feel better about herself too. She may seem like she's independent of you, but the truth is that she still needs you and needs your approval. However, she's very conflicted because if most of what she gets from you is negative, she will reject you for the boy and for her friends. If you start to offer her a positive relationship and ignore the negatives, she will eventually come back to you and trust you again.

3.Keep things in perspective! She needs to learn from this relationship and every other experience in her young life. She will do so far better with your gentle support, than with criticism, hovering and negativity. Sooo....bite your tongue and be the mom that I can hear you really want to be to your daughter. In the end, remember, that your goal is for you and her to reach her adult years as friends. This boy will be long gone by then.

Good Wishes and Great Parenting,
Dr Susan Bartell
JustAsk Expert
Twitter @drsusanbartell
NEW book “The Top 50 Questions Kids Ask”

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