Dealing with a disrespectful 14-year-old is enough to make anyone lose their temper; we're sorry to hear you're in this situation.  You're doing a good job, though, by continuing to confront her and expecting her to do her chores.  The last thing you want to do is give up.

So far, you've done a great job of trying to explain things.  You've told her how you feel about the way she treats you, and you've explained which chores you expect from her.  You've put that into black and white terms.  Let's keep putting things into black and white:

Write down what you expect of her and post it where she can see it.  Then, write down what the consequences are when she doesn't meet your expectations.  You don't have to be 100% totalitarian -- kids are always going to roll their eyes for instance.  But angry, hurtful back-talk should definitely be against the rules.  If she breaks the rule, make sure the consequence for it is in writing (for example, she has to do the dishes next time if she backsasses.)

Is she going to be enraged when she sees all this in writing?  Yes, but it will wear off eventually.  Just remember to stick to your guns.  If she earns a negative consequence, make sure she gets it.

Also, don't forget positive consequences.  If you see her helping out when you didn't ask, take a chore off her list for the week or give her back some of the privileges she might have lost as a negative consequence.  (For instance, if she lost the privelege to go out with friends tonight, maybe you could let her go out for an hour.)

These are just a couple tips amongst many that might work.  If you'd like to talk about this further, give us a call: 1-800-448-3000.  We're here 24/7, and we'd be happy to talk!

Good luck!

MKM, Counselor
Boys Town National Hotline
1-800-448-3000