Dear Parent:

You have been so observant and thoughtful in trying to figure out how to help your son. Good for you for watching carefully what the results have been when you've tried various strategies. And I think you have hit the nail on the head regarding spanking: it does teach children that grownups think hitting is OK. It adds to the tension they feel, rather than resolving that tension so they can play well.

The kind of change you've seen in your son can easily be brought on by added stress. The two changes you mentioned--his Daddy being gone much more, and his babysitter leaving--are likely to be part of the reason his personality seemed to change. Both events mean that he has lost a sense of connection with people he counts on.

When that vital sense of connection and safety frays, children's minds don't work well any more. It's kind of an on-off switch: when they feel connected, they can feel your love and caring, and they can play well and be relaxed. When they lose that sense of connection, their behavior shouts that they can't tell they're loved, can't tell that they love anyone, can't tell that people are on their side. This is true of all children. They don't turn "bad." They (sometimes in an instant) lose a vital sense of safety and closeness, and that loss fills their minds with an undercurrent of fear and/or grief. It's fear that drives children to be aggressive and mean. Your little guy has been scared by the changes in your family. And his behavior is signaling that he's been jostled out of touch with the love you offer.

Here's how to help him feel connected again. As soon as you see the first hint of this kind of behavior, move close, put your arms around him, and gently say, "Son, I can't let you do that." Be warm, but firm. Set the limit by enclosing him, not tightly, to prevent him from hitting or hurting. Keeping him loosely in your arms will probably do. Then, offer eye contact, and stay with him. He'll want desperately to get away. He'll begin to fight you, most likely. He will scream. He might sweat. He won't cry tears, but will enter into the "fight" response that has been stored inside him, causing behavioral trouble. Stay with him. Let him fight and struggle, but keep yourself safe. Give him room to battle. He's letting out the fear response that is directly tied to losing contact with the people he has counted on. It will be like trying to stay with a wild animal, because it's a very early part of the brain that stores fear. As he fights, that part of his brain is releasing tension.

Stay close, stay calm, and let this process run its course. He's draining a tension swamp as he struggles. You're pouring in warmth and connection. You pour in warmth, he pours out poison. You pour in reassurance, "I'm not mad at you, son. Stay here. There's no better place to be right now. You're safe here. I'm watching over you." And you listen to his outrage. Try to let him vent until he relaxes and realizes that he's safe in your arms, that there's no one out to get him, that you've been loving him the whole time.

This is challenging to do. That's for sure. But the rewards you'll get if you can manage to stay all the way through are enormous. A child feels loved. A child feels relaxed. A child feels lighthearted again. A child feels close to the person who listened, and to others, too. His mind unloaded that primitive "Yikes, I'm threatened, and I'm going to fight to the death if I have to" response to fear, and now, he's free to have fun and feel loved again.

Here's a link to a parent's report of handling a situation very much like yours. I hope it helps.

We have a booklet, Healing Children's Fears, that's part of a set of 7 called Listening to Children, available on our website below. It will fill in  the picture.

http://www.handinhandparenting.org/csArticles/articles/000000/000065.htm