How do I get my 4 yr old daughter to try new things if she is terrified of new things or new people?

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macbeth asks:

My daughter is a very bright, happy, and social little girl (at school), but when it comes to meeting new groups of people, she freezes up and refuses to participate. For example, my husband and I tried to take her to her first soccer practice the other night (we talked about it for weeks, she was excited), but when we got there, she would not look at anyone, cried and refused to play with the other little girls. She is also extremely conscious of people talking about her or laughing at her, even with family. I have no idea how she could be insecure, and so scared of new things, when she is soo good at everything! We give her love and praise constantly, yet she is still having these issues, what could be the problem?

In Topics: Self esteem and identity

> 60 days ago

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Hand in Hand

Sep 4, 2009

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What the Expert Says:

Your four year-old is lucky to have a supportive mom standing by her who is sensitive to her reactions to new situations and aware of her needs. It sounds like you did a very good job preparing your daughter for the soccer practice. Here are a few more suggestions from the article on our website titled "Helping Children with Shyness" that you might want to try the next time your daughter is preparing to meet a new group. They have certainly helped at my house!

Children thrive on fun and connection

Before going into a situation that you think your child may find frightening, try using our method of Special Time. Children clearly thrive on moments when we are just with them. Take ten or fifteen minutes before you get ready to go and shine your undivided attention onto your child, and do whatever it is that he enjoys doing with you at the moment. Play pillow fight. Drop lightweight balls down the stairs together. Allow some messy water play. Put your child in charge of the interaction and follow him, letting him be in control of the relationship for a time. Radiate enthusiasm for his ideas and desires. This will help to bolster his connection to you and help him store up a little extra confidence for the challenge ahead.

Fear releases in laughter

Play that helps children overcome their fears starts by allowing a child Special Time—during which the grownup does whatever the child wants to do. During this time, look for opportunities to take the less powerful role. If your child is pretending to go to work, playfully cry and beg him not to go. If your child wants to play chase, try to catch him, but fail most of the time. If your child wants to pretend to go to the kid's gym, act playfully afraid and hide behind him. Your child's fears will release as he laughs while you play the less powerful role. The more you are able to get the laughter going, the bolder your child will become.

Lots more resources are available on our website. I hope you find something that will help your daughter feel more comfortable.

Juli
Julianne Idleman, Hand in Hand Program Director
www.handinhandparenting.org

Let's connect:
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superprotectivefactor.wordpress.com

Resources:

http://www.handinhandparenting.org/csArticles/articles/000006/000638.htm

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Additional Answers (2)

BeKindCali writes:

Greetings MacBeth,
First, let me say, no worries! Children go through phases (both large and small) when their behavior may seem abnormal to those around them, especially to their family. It is important to remember that for her, there is some reason to be unsure or insecure in this new situation. In the big picture it doesn't really matter if her discomfort seems "valid" to you, it is all about your beautiful little girl! Try to comfort her with; reassuring statements, distractions, explanation, cuddles, etc. And, do your best to keep a calm loving tone (otherwise she might see your upset as validation for her concerns).
My first thoughts are; maybe the activity was hyped too much, her personality may predispose her to some performance anxiety, or it was just not the right time for her to start an organized activity!
Most children show some sensitivity to comments from others, just like many grown-ups I know! =)
Best to you and remember if your concern gets to the point of creating discomfort for you or your daughter, take her to see a professional. That's what they're there for!

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socialworker writes:

Try reading "Harry the Happy Caterpillar Grows: Helping Children Adjust to Change" with your child.The story centers on Harry,a caterpillar that has a fantastic life full of games, friends, school and leaf eating. He is stunned when, one day at caterpillar school, he learns that he is expected to build a chrysalis and become a butterfly. Harry vows to remain a caterpillar forever, as his friends build their chrysalises and move on. Eventually, Harry learns to accept change as a necessary part of life, and joins his friends as a butterfly. There are tips in the back of the book to help parents and educators use the story as a vehicle to help kids talk about their feelings about change, and teach them coping strategies to manage their anxiety.

Resources:

http://www.harrythehappycaterpillar.com

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