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tmuzy
tmuzy asks:
Q:

my 5 year old is outta control, please help!!!

My daughter is 5 and she is bigger than most 5 year old. She hits me when she doesn't get her way. She has also been flipping off with the middle finger. She throws the worst temper tantrums and I can't seem to stop them. She listens to everyone else, but it seems when I am around that all goes out the window. I don't know what to do. I try to talk to her , I take her to the park, and i do just about anything she wants me to. If i don't then she will turn into someone I really don't want to be around, yet she can be the sweetest at times. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to have fun without having to fight with her to get her in the truck when it's time to leave the park or when it's time for bed. Her dad and I are separated, but I have a husband and we have been together since she was 5 months old. She listens to him very well, when I'm not around. As soon as I walk in that door she starts up. Please help me. Anyone who has any suggestions, I'm desperate. Thank you!
In Topics: Discipline and behavior challenges, Communicating with my child (The tough talks), Blended families
> 60 days ago

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Expert

ShirleyCressDudley
Apr 7, 2012
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What the Expert Says:

You mentioned that your daughter listens very well to her stepdad, when you're not around, which means that your daughter has the capability of listening and following instructions.

You also said,  "I do just about anything she wants me to."- I believe this is the source of your problem. Your daughter has you exactly where she wants you...she is running the mother/child relationship. Unfortunately, as you have discovered, you can give your child "the world" and it still will not satisfy her or make her happy. Not only is this a bad example for your daughter, it's an unrealistic view of the world. In her adult life, there are no situations in which everything will go her way or she will be given anything she wants. It's your job, as a parent to help prepare her for the world and equip her in ways to be successful.  

Here are my suggestions:
Tell your daughter that you've noticed she is unhappy when she is around you, and you realize that it's time for change. She is now 5 years old, and she is going to have a new set of expectations and guidelines related to her age.
-Create a list of daily chores for her, along with positive and negative consequences for her behavior
-List the behavior you expect from her (politeness, no foul words or actions) and the positive and negative consequences- at the end of the week, based on her behavior.
Create a chart and keep track of her actions and behavior. At the end of the week- the score determines what happens (ex- an extra trip to the park, or the movies, or she loses an activity or other desired privilege.)

Its going to be tough, but truly this is what's best for your child. You can do this- stand firm, and make sure you don't give in one anything written down in the chart.

I wish you the very best.

Kindest Regards,
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC FACMPE
Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center
Best selling author of the book, Blended Family Advice
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Additional Answers (4)

leahkin
leahkin writes:
The good news is you're not alone. Many difficult young children get along fine in school, fine with their dad - but are impossible for their primary caregiver.
The only thing I found to work for these difficult children is a completely consistent framework. Pick your battles - and then stick with them consistently.
For example, a boy in my class knows he is not allowed to hit, leave the room, or touch other people's things. Since I cannot demand everything from him, I don't require him to stay in his seat and raise his hand. But the three rules I set down are immutable. When he breaks one of them, he receives, immediately but CALMLY, a set consequence. The consequence is the same every time, and is administered no matter how big a fit he throws.
In the beginning, he had a hard time accepting the rules, but as he learned that the rules are rules and consequences are consistent, his behavior underwent definite improvement.  
I heartily recommend "The Difficult Child" by Stanley Turecki.
> 60 days ago

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JamielaIsmail
JamielaIsmail , Teacher writes:
you need to take charge and be in control.  have a family forum and make the rules.  ask her why she reacts to you and you do not have to do what she does - she needs to earn those outings.  take away privileges, have a naughty chair for time out when the behaviour is bad. set punishments in place.
1.  seek therapy so that she can speak to them about what is troubling her.
2.  behaviour modification - star chart - a star for all the good behaviours, no half stars. give a reward that she wants if she has 6 days in the week with stars.
3.  speak to the teacher at school and ask if there is anything that is bothering her.
4.  ask yourself if it worth to fight or just to walk away when she throws a tantrum.
5. something that worked for my friend - when her son threw a tantrum, she did exactly what he did and he got up and never behaved badly again after that.

hope you find this helpful
> 60 days ago

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franchescatena
franchescat... writes:
hello mom, I have a five year old also and he is kinder-garden already and every time he does not behave in school or refuses to do his homework he wont get his favorite toy on Friday's and Saturday's these are the only days he can play with it. at the beginning it was frustrating because he wouldn't listen to me but after a while and a consistent approach he gave up and new that he was not going to get his way. What you need to do is set rules for her to fallow and keep up with them no matter what ( I know it hurts because they are our kids but we are the adults and we need to let them know we care, love them but they don't get to do as they pleased, specially as they get ready to start school.)  Good luck and don't give up.
> 60 days ago

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CME1
CME1 writes:
Be consistent, stand your ground and set boundaries. Replace behavior with a desired behavior. Change her diet.
> 60 days ago

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