5 yr old daughter saying she wants to be a boy

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tracyc asks:

My daughter is 5 and she is definitely a "tomboy". She always wants to wear Spiderman, and other superhero clothes, even her cousin's old "boy" underware. When we go over to his house, she is obsessed with wearing all his clothes. She always wants Spiderman birthday parties as well. However, she also loves Hannah Montana. All her friends are boys, can't even think of one girl. These things don't worry me b/c I was a major tomboy. I would never wear dresses or skirts at all! What does bother me is that she says she wants to be a boy. Bother, yes, in a sense that I want to raise her with support. But I need to know how to handle this. Do I just "let it roll" and worry about it when she's older or start thinking that she might have gender issues. I just don't want to shame her into believing that she should be happy that she's a girl. I want to know how to support her best. The posts by others has really helped and will help more when I can spend more time reading them all.

In Topics: Self esteem and identity

> 60 days ago

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MomSOS

Mar 7, 2010

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What the Expert Says:

As a social worker, working with parents and kids on a regular basis, I have neither seen nor read any research that would indicate that your daughter has a problem. Kids experiment with identity all throughout the life cycle.
The best support you can give your child is to let her play out her interests, let her be herself and yes, do not under any circumstances shame her. You have the benefit of your own experience to know that tomboys can grow up to be well-adjusted women. Whose to say that her interest in boy things isn't paving the way for an adult who is well rounded and empathetic to both genders.
I encourage you not to worry. If when she grows up she does have "gender issues," these can all be dealt with. At this point, she sounds like a normal five year old little girl.

Bette J. Freedson, LICSW, LCSW

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http://www.singlemomsos.com/index.html

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Additional Answers (2)

D_Town writes:

You have already partially answered your own question. Let it role. No matter how old she gets you should never begin to "worry". As long as she is happy there is no issue. If she at some point seems "unhappy" that is when you should be concerned. If that happens, you need to find a way to show the support that you said you want to give, by helping her to figure out what exactly makes her unhappy and trying to help her remedy that. If it goes that far, you can always look up gender dysphoria, etc. You many look into a counselor who is gay/lesbian/transgender friendly. Don't be confused. This is not to say this is a sexuality issue at all. But those counselors who are familiar with such subject matter tend to also be familiar with gender issues as well and could be a real big help in assisting you and your daughter to figure things out. Again, thats if it even gets that far. For right now, if she is happy, let it roll.

> 60 days ago

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tdfetd writes:

When ever you look at a boy say;Theirs a boy here who is looking at me once I herd him to marry me but he is ugly so turn me into a boy.
but if that does not work well she will never be a boy

> 60 days ago

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