Should you 'ask' or 'tell' your child?

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rkaiulani asks:

My sister's two children (ages 2 and 4) show signs of becoming very willful and demanding kids. My mom suspects that this is due in part to the fact that my sister always asks "do you want to do this?" and "do you like this?" to her kids, while my mom simply states, "we're doing this now." Overall, the kids are much more well-behaved and relaxed when my mother is taking care of them, which leads me to believe that a small child's opinion should not be solicited quite so often. Has anyone made any observations about asking versus telling a child what's happening next?

In Topics: Communicating with my child (The tough talks)

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Louiseasl

Nov 6, 2009

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What the Expert Says:

Hello and thank you for writing to JustAsk!

I see that you have a quite a debate to ponder! There is no clear answer to your question. Children can be quite a challenge due to varying personalities. Thus, parenting techniques may need to vary, as well.

In respect to how to talk to a child I think this too is a question with no "black/white answer". However, I will give you a response based on common developmental theories.

Very young children are just learning concepts and should not be offered choices on a regular basis. Toddlers in particular are not developmentally ready to make decisons as they are still learning about the world around them let alone having to continually make choices. Occasionally a parent may wish to show them two objects (such two boxes of dry cereal) and have the young child pick one. I always recommend to parents of young children that when it is time to offer a child a choice to limit the number of options to two. More than two can be very confusing for a child younger than four. By the time a child is four (or a mature three year old) then a third option may be offered.

However, the key to children being less demanding is often modeling patient and respectful behavior. Parents that only communicate with their children in a directive manner (do this, do that) are not promoting conversational skills nor allowing a child to seek out divergent thinking skills. Children as young as toddler age and up who are involved in regular conversation, stories and more are in my opinion more likely to be calm and respectful when speaking to others. They will learn to ask and wait for responses because that behavior has been modeled for them. Showing the "art" of turn taking during a conversation, no matter how brief the time talking is, will be of great value in the home and school.

So, in essence both your sister and you may have different parenting styles. Neither is wrong. A combination of both ways to communicate with your children sprinkled with patience hopefully will help your situation!

Good luck!

Louise Masin Sattler, NCSP
Nationally Certified School Psychologist
Owner of Signing Families
http://www.Signingfamilies.com

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bob

Jun 14, 2007

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I second Mr's Limp's comment. A "multiple choice" question, in my experience, always works better than open-ended questions, even for many adults. "Yes/No" questions aren't multipe choice in my book. And there is a lot to say about how the question is worded as well - sometimes redirecting the subject of the sentence can make a difference.

Q1: What kind of vegetable do you want with dinner?
A: I DON'T LIKE VEGETABLES!

Q2: Would you like broccoli or peas with dinner?
A: I DON'T LIKE BROCCOLI OR PEAS!

Q3: Should I cook broccoli or peas tonight?
A: I DON'T LIKE BROCCOLI OR PEAS!
Follow-up: But I'm only asking you to help me decide what to cook!

Sometimes this works.

But, in our household, especially when the children were young, we didn't ask at all. We just decided and served peas.

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Additional Answers (5)

eliad , Parent writes:

I have a son in his mid two's and I find that in this stage he exercise the power of "NO" as much as he can. It does not matter if I ask or tell him what to do.

I also know that he listen better in school with his teachers then with us at home. I'm not sure why, but I know from other parents that this is common behavior.

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davill writes:

With Twins boy do I know "willful"! However, we have had great luck in taking a middle ground between these two methods. We give our kids a choice of no more than two options and make them only select from the choices. This appears to give them freedom and we can control the situation by pre selecting the list.

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snazzly writes:

My thing is ask, then tell, then yell. i know yelling isn't always the best thing, but i will ask them to do something and if they don't do it then i tell them to do it, and if they still don't do it, then i yell at them to GET IT DONE NOW!!. They have learned that if they don't want to get yelled at, they should do it when i ask. I think that asking and doing what the child wants should be limited with age of the child. More and more as they get older. Hope this helps.

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LDSolutions , Child Professional writes:

When it is time to prepare dinner and you want them to have a balanced, nutritional dinner then don't even talk about it. Just put the food in front of them. If they complain you can answer, "That is what is for dinner tonight. I'm sorry you don't like it." And just move on. Don't discuss or talk about it anymore. You never want to create food issues. It is nice to let them know you value and respect their opinion - There are times when you can show them that their opinion does matter. "Today lets do something fun. Do you want to go to the beach or the park." or.... " go find a story you like and I'll read it to you." At these opportunities it is nice to let your child have a choice. Because truthfully you don't mind the answer.

Resources:

http://www.pridelearningcenter.com

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girlinparad... writes:

I think it is possible to put too much responsibility on our kids by asking them to make decisions that they just aren't ready to make. I think that it is good to give choices, well defined choices that we as the parent can live with. Like, do you want to wear you brown shoes or your tennis shoes today? Simple and easy, and the child has a little control within limits. Giving choices that are too broad can be frightening to a child that isn't ready for them. Children instinctively want to please a parent or caregiver and may feel like they need to say what the parent wants to hear. When they aren't sure what that is, they may act out.

I think that if you assertively state what the expectation is, it really takes a lot of pressure off the child and you get better behavior, in general.

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