As you have indicated cutting yourself is a solution to your problem of depression.
And because those who cut often feel emotionally better when they experience the physical sensation or pain and the bleeding, it seems like it is not so bad. In your case, you believe you are saving your life. That indicates a very serious aspect to your depression.
Cutting is a big deal because it is a self mutilation, a self injurious behavior and does not resolve the underlying problem that the person is trying to solve.
It may numb the emotional pain, but it is a form of self-abuse. And abuse of any kind is never an adequate or a lasting solution, although the behavior appears to be a solution to the cutter.
If the meds and talking haven't helped, you need different meds, different people to talk to, and most likely a program designed to deal specifically with this kind of behavior.
I hope you have a trusted adult that you can go to to disclose how much you are hurting. You have revealed it here, and that is a good start. Your question is a good one and tells me that deep down you do want to feel better. Seek out a parent, teacher, minister, rabbi, friend, neighbor, anyone you can trust, and let that person know you need some more help to deal with what is causing your depression.
Cutting is a result of your depression. Hurting yourself seems to be the only way of relief, BUT it is not a permanent solution to darkness you experience. Depression can be and usually is a clinical issue. It is when the chemicals in your body get off whack. I have a similar disorder called GAD and with mine, I was in denial. I would try to make it without drugs and therapy. I felt like it made me less of a human. The outlook on life is not the same as your peers. It is not the "norm" and this is b/c of the chemical imbalance. Does this mean you are weird? No. Does this mean you will always be as depressed as you are now? No.
People with OCD ( Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) may tell repeat words in their heads over and over again. They may ask similar to your question "Why is it so bad I repeat things over and over?" The reason why is because you do not have to live that way just "dealing" with your pain. The pain must be addressed. What exactly happened to you? Tell us on here. We don't know you and would be glad to help.
Hurting yourself is not a "normal" act. And this is what you must try to accept. People who don't have depression, would never think of harming themselves. So its really important to find the solution to the imbalance going on. The drug you took was apparently not the right one. I would try seeing a psychologist about your problem. A regular doctor may not be able to help you as well.
i started after my grandpa died,he was really the only father i had-my real father was....not the nicest person.but when i was w/my grandpa,i felt safe.so when he died,i felt lost,so i started cutting.it always made me feel better.i get that its bad.......i just dont know how to stop.......
Well what I heard from a friend is that her ex cut himself over and over on his arm and one time he ended up in the hospital for cutting his vain, and my friend now cuts herself because of boys and writes some names while cutting her self because of that she says it helps. But it really doesn't because my dad told his old friend when they were in high school to go and get some help like for example he told her parents but if you talk to a doctor and ask them what they think and tell you the possibilities or tell your mom and dad so they can take you to a doctor because they need to know and you need to know the possibilities it will cause you when you're older or even worse! Death! It could kill you from you losing a lot of iron and u don't even know it but I never cut myself ever but I talked to my dad to ask him how can I help friends and he said they need to go to a specialist and talk. Also, my friend does it because her mom calls her retarded and stuff and she cuts herself because of her mom but I asked her how did her parents treat her she said bad and so now she treats her child bad and she looked up to her parents but she didn't even know. Talk to someone please because I try to help my friends and nothing will work. Maybe a doctor who can tell you the possibilities that could happen to you if you keep doing this will help.