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amother
amother asks:
Q:

My childn's recent behavior problem at school

my 5 year old son has had some behavioring problem at his kindergarden recently. (biting, pinching & hitting twice in this week), and I was even called to the principal office today.
The problem I can detect is his lack of self control. when he gets angry at someone who teased him, he does not know how to use verbal ability to respond, instead he becomes physically aggressive. He did not have this kind of problem at preschool.

at his class, there is this girl teasing him and calling name and he does not like it or like her, so he hit her on the arm.
I think it has something to do with my own behavior toward parenting - impatient, losing temper easily, raising my voice, yelling at the kids or scolding them when they do something wrong. I am not a calm person although i try to. i get freaked out easily. i dont know it is genetic or i was raised that way. (my parents are not great parents and are not my role models.) i try to correct my action but I don't know how.

my son does not talk about what happened at school in details to me. It frustrated me not knowing what was really going on.

When I talked to him about not hitting, I also threaten him at the end that he will get kicked out of school if he doesn't stop. is it ok?

do i take accountability for what is going with his development? what can I do to direct him to control himself? what can i do to provide a good role model for my child to learn from? will this phase be passed under my supervision.
  
Member Added on Nov 18, 2011
Thanks for everyone's answers to my concern. I learned to calm down and have been doing great with my son. He is doing great at school now. all the hitting/biting have been totally gone. He is in a good school environment now. For those who have the same problem as I, I suggest -1) learn from parent's mistake and don't repeat. 2) control your temper and stay cool. I learned when I am calm, the effect is even more. 3) don't over control (i used to do that.) sometimes you let them be. 4) find out what was going on before you criticize. (i found out later my son was vervally bullied by this girl.) 5) school always punish the first one who hits, i told my kids " if he doens't like what others say about him, treat it as garbage but don't fight. 6) strengthen their self control ability by first ensuring your love, and sign them up for martial art class. (that is what i did. and he is doing very well.)
note that all problems will be subsides with parental supervision.
I learned from my own mistake in parenting and we all learn from it as well. thanks for listening and sharing. I wish you a very happy thanksgiving with your loved ones!
In Topics: Parenting / Our Family, Bullying and teasing, Discipline and behavior challenges
> 60 days ago

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Expert

Boys Town National Hotline
Oct 28, 2011
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What the Expert Says:

We are glad you are reaching out and taking steps to to improve your family life. Most behaviors are learned and this also rings true with regard to the way we parent our children. As far as there being a genetic link, it may be that your tendency towards being high strung or easily stressed may have something to do with your family genes and your personality, but is more likely that you have learned to "react" rather than "act" when you are under stress.

It is a good thing that you are able to identify the traits you would like to work on such as being more patient and calm. It is also important that you forgive yourself and realize that you are only human, and as a human being you will continue to make mistakes. But you can learn from the past, and you can make the necessary changes in your life that you want to see in yourself and in your children.

Once you are able to stay in better control of your own emotions, over time you will see a change in your children and how they respond to stress. When you feel like yelling, take a deep breath and count to 10, or walk away if it helps. Then come back when you can be better equipped to help your own child calm down. "Calm before consequences" can be a helpful parenting tool to keep in mind.

Teaching self control to children is a very important social skill and one which can be difficult as a parent if we don't have support and role models to guide us. The good news is there are many parenting resources which can help you. For 5 years old children a few books which come to mind are: "Hands Are Not for Hitting" by Agassi, and "The 7 Habits of Happy Kids" by Covey, and "Cool Down and Work Through Anger" by Meiners. Five year old children are not yet fully able to express themselves verbally and explain why they behaved the way they did, and books can sometimes help them identify their feelings.

For parents we recommend our Common Sense Parenting approach to raising children. Common Sense Parenting is all about giving children praise as well as consequences for their behaviors. CSP believes that disciplining rather than punishing will teach children how to make responsible choices and to learn from their behaviors when they don't. We want to equip our children with the social skills they need to be able to grow up as confident and responsible adults. You can find Common Sense Parenting books as well as many books to help children with social skills at bookstores, libraries as well as on our online catalog: www.boystownpress.org

We also have an excellent website: www.parenting.org From our website you can e-mail a counselor or you can call our 24 hour Hotline. We talk to parents with kids of all ages and in many different situations. We also have a large data base and may be able to refer you to local parenting classes or other resources in your area.

Thank you again for reaching out and taking the first step toward healing your family. Best wishes to you and your children!

Sincerely,

Cynthia, Counselor
Boys Town National Hotline
1-800-448-3000
hotline@boystown.org
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EdEd
Oct 19, 2011
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Best Answer!

what's this?
from a fellow member
First, you are already taking a HUGE step by taking some responsibility! That takes a lot of maturity, and you should feel proud of yourself for accepting that you might have some things to work on too.

In general, you're absolutely right - kids tend to do what they see, so you're probably right to try to find some strategies for you to use when you find yourself getting angry. The big thing is creating a space between the things that make you angry, and your response. In other words, what often happens is that something happens (e.g., your child does something wrong), you then get angry, and immediately start to yell. You end up feeling bad about it later, but it probably all happened so fast that you had already made the mistake of yelling before you realized it. So, try to do things to help you remember your plan of being calm BEFORE you start to yell. Maybe tie a string around your finger, or draw something on your hand to remind you to be calm. Next time something happens, make yourself look at the drawing on your hand (or string on finger) and take a few seconds to remember what you want to do, which is to be calm. You might find out how strong you can be once you remember what you WANT to do, which is to be calm.

There are a lot of other things you can do as well to control your responses, such as deep breathing. It may be helpful to find someone who knows more about those things to talk to, such as a counselor.

You also asked about threatening him that he could get kicked out of school - it probably isn't the best idea since it likely wouldn't happen - at least not after any one particular incident. Also, because he's so young, he probably wouldn't remember that threat in the heat of the moment many hours/days later.

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Additional Answers (5)

FANE
FANE writes:
i think you need to calm in front of him and take some time alone take him to the park or beach
> 60 days ago

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Dr.Monika
Dr.Monika , Child Professional writes:
Parenting is not an easy task.  How we raise our children is strongly influenced by how our parents raised us.  I am glad that you are aware of your parenting style.  Modeling behaviors is one way to teach a child to deal with life.  If you feel that your responses are not effective or send the wrong message, consider taking a parenting class in your community.  In the mean time, teach your son, how to manage frustration before it escalates into anger.  Martial arts classes are good for teaching kids self-control.

Best regards.
> 60 days ago

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angeloflight
angeloflight writes:
I agree with the advice that has been given so far. I think it's important to find the way to respond to your son in a way that you would want him to respond to others. Sometimes a whisper can be more powerful than a threat or yelling.

One thing that I've learned with my 5 year old daughter, is to role play. If you pretend, you don't have the same impulsive emotional response. When you can turn it into a fun game, while learning/teaching at the same time, it will be much easier to handle a real situation.
> 60 days ago

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BananaJustine
BananaJustine writes:
Definatly get a pysiciatrist to test for ADHD ASAP.
> 60 days ago

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neilsamlal
neilsamlal writes:
im having the same problems with my 5 year old can someone help me please
> 60 days ago

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