We are glad you are reaching out and taking steps to to improve your family life. Most behaviors are learned and this also rings true with regard to the way we parent our children. As far as there being a genetic link, it may be that your tendency towards being high strung or easily stressed may have something to do with your family genes and your personality, but is more likely that you have learned to "react" rather than "act" when you are under stress.

It is a good thing that you are able to identify the traits you would like to work on such as being more patient and calm. It is also important that you forgive yourself and realize that you are only human, and as a human being you will continue to make mistakes. But you can learn from the past, and you can make the necessary changes in your life that you want to see in yourself and in your children.

Once you are able to stay in better control of your own emotions, over time you will see a change in your children and how they respond to stress. When you feel like yelling, take a deep breath and count to 10, or walk away if it helps. Then come back when you can be better equipped to help your own child calm down. "Calm before consequences" can be a helpful parenting tool to keep in mind.

Teaching self control to children is a very important social skill and one which can be difficult as a parent if we don't have support and role models to guide us. The good news is there are many parenting resources which can help you. For 5 years old children a few books which come to mind are: "Hands Are Not for Hitting" by Agassi, and "The 7 Habits of Happy Kids" by Covey, and "Cool Down and Work Through Anger" by Meiners. Five year old children are not yet fully able to express themselves verbally and explain why they behaved the way they did, and books can sometimes help them identify their feelings.

For parents we recommend our Common Sense Parenting approach to raising children. Common Sense Parenting is all about giving children praise as well as consequences for their behaviors. CSP believes that disciplining rather than punishing will teach children how to make responsible choices and to learn from their behaviors when they don't. We want to equip our children with the social skills they need to be able to grow up as confident and responsible adults. You can find Common Sense Parenting books as well as many books to help children with social skills at bookstores, libraries as well as on our online catalog: www.boystownpress.org

We also have an excellent website: www.parenting.org From our website you can e-mail a counselor or you can call our 24 hour Hotline. We talk to parents with kids of all ages and in many different situations. We also have a large data base and may be able to refer you to local parenting classes or other resources in your area.

Thank you again for reaching out and taking the first step toward healing your family. Best wishes to you and your children!

Sincerely,

Cynthia, Counselor
Boys Town National Hotline
1-800-448-3000
hotline@boystown.org

First, you are already taking a HUGE step by taking some responsibility! That takes a lot of maturity, and you should feel proud of yourself for accepting that you might have some things to work on too.

In general, you're absolutely right - kids tend to do what they see, so you're probably right to try to find some strategies for you to use when you find yourself getting angry. The big thing is creating a space between the things that make you angry, and your response. In other words, what often happens is that something happens (e.g., your child does something wrong), you then get angry, and immediately start to yell. You end up feeling bad about it later, but it probably all happened so fast that you had already made the mistake of yelling before you realized it. So, try to do things to help you remember your plan of being calm BEFORE you start to yell. Maybe tie a string around your finger, or draw something on your hand to remind you to be calm. Next time something happens, make yourself look at the drawing on your hand (or string on finger) and take a few seconds to remember what you want to do, which is to be calm. You might find out how strong you can be once you remember what you WANT to do, which is to be calm.

There are a lot of other things you can do as well to control your responses, such as deep breathing. It may be helpful to find someone who knows more about those things to talk to, such as a counselor.

You also asked about threatening him that he could get kicked out of school - it probably isn't the best idea since it likely wouldn't happen - at least not after any one particular incident. Also, because he's so young, he probably wouldn't remember that threat in the heat of the moment many hours/days later.