Thank you for writing to www.education.com to describe your dilemma regarding the neighbor girl who has been stealing.  It sounds as if you and your wife have been self reflective and realize that searching your neighbor's home in their absence has crossed a moral line.   It is doubtful that any good would come from revealing to your neighbors that you found stolen property in their daughter’s bedroom.  More than likely, your confession would cause a great deal of mistrust and conflict which could overshadow the concern that their daughter has been stealing.  

In answer to your question, it would be best if you were to first speak to the parents of the 14 year old.  Because her mother is already aware of her daughter’s stealing behavior it would be best to alert your neighbors to the fact that several items have disappeared from your home and that you have reason to suspect their daughter was involved.   Convey to them the conversations that have taken place that have caused you to suspect her such as the stories she has given as to how she has acquired particular items.  It would also be appropriate for you to ask her parents if you could speak to their daughter directly.  If you were to share your concerns with this teen (after receiving the parent’s permission) you could have a much greater impact.  Be sure to preface your conversation with a statement that you are concerned about what has happened and want to help her in any way you can.  Holding her accountable is an important part of helping her to make changes in her behavior.  

When talking to this young girl, it is not necessary to debate whether she has taken the items. Avoid asking questions that will allow her the opportunity to be dishonest with you again.  Indicate to her that you are not needing proof but that she must learn to ask permission, practice self control, tell the truth and to apologize to others when she has done something wrong.  

Also, as a result of what has happened, it is important for you to begin to more closely monitor this young lady’s behavior both in your home and when she is interacting with your daughters.  Even without the stealing and dishonesty, because of the several year age gap there really should not be any unsupervised play time between your daughters and this teen. 14 year olds have a different set of interests than 6 and 9 year olds.  Make certain that if this neighbor is visiting that you are interacting with the children to ensure that the conversations and activities are appropriate.

Set limits on the amount of time she spends in your home and be sure to overtly check to see that she is not taking anything home with her when she leaves.  It would not be inappropriate to ask her to show you her hands or to empty her pockets.  Have her leave anything she brings into the home by the front door so as to make certain to keep her belongings and those of your daughter's seperate.  In addition, talk with your own daughters to help them understand the importance of taking good care of what they own; to take note of their belongings both before and after this neighbor is in the home.  

Hopefully, her parents will be appreciative of the information you share.  Be aware though that they may not be receptive to what you have to say.  Good luck with your situation.

Boys Town National Hotline
1-800-448-3000