Dear Telly,

This sounds like a tough experience for you and your daughter. I imagine it must be very difficult to see her suffering so much. I think that singlemommy has offered some excellent advice and support, and I believe that you should continue to talk with your daughter about the sources of her frustration. Conversations of this nature will help her better nderstand her feelings and bond the two of you together in a positive mode of communication.

As you may know, girls who experience early or precocious puberty are at a higher risk for certain negative outcomes, such as depression, anxiety, and bullying. Experts believe that girls may have an especially difficult time with early puberty because of the rush of physiological changes occuring in their body (e.g., hormones) and the stress of understanding the ways in which people around them respond to their changing body. Men give them increased attention and people generally have higher expectations for them because they see them more as an "adult." This can be hard to make sense of when their cognitive insight ability has not quite caught up to their physical maturation(even though she is bright, her brain is still developing through her early 20s). I have included an article below from the University of Michigan Health System that discusses many of these factors.

So, what can you do? You know that she is a little more vulnerable, so how can you help? You are definitely on the right track in terms of teaching her valuable positive coping strategies to help her manage the intense emotions she is experiencing. The coping strategies she develops can help her throughout life. Here are some suggestions:

Children benefit greatly from relaxation exercises before bed. This is a time that they are already somewhat relaxed and generally open to relaxation. I have heard numerous positive accololades from the following CD series. You can listen with your daughter or have her listen alone. Either way, she can experience a greater state of relaxation and take in some positive messages along the way.

Indigo Dreams Bedtime Stories
http://amzn.to/91dFOw

Here is another resource for learning positive stress reduction techniques.

The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook for Kids
http://amzn.to/cGd7sE

Finally, the evidence for the effectiveness of mindfulness is growing every day. Meditation and mindfulness can be a wonderful tool that your daughter can develop now to better understand and manage her feelings that she can use long into adulthood.

Sensational Meditation
http://amzn.to/c49y1a

Good luck!


Warm regards,

Laura Kauffman, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist
Education.com JustAsk Expert
http://www.drlaurakauffman.com/

Pre-adolescence is a tough period in a child's development.  Sounds like you and your daughter have a good relationship and keep the channel of communication open.  That is very important in order to help your child understand the world and learn how to cope with feelings and various situations.

Your daughter tried deep breathing without good results.  Perhaps physical activity will let her release the negative feelings of frustration.  Running, swimming, kickboxing are used by many individuals as stress management technique.  There is nothing wrong with a girl having a punching bag in her room if that keeps her frustration in check!

Best regards.