mrkristie7
asks:
Q:
How do I deal with the divide and conquer motives my step daughters have, that my wife won't or does not accept. It is becoming a marriage problem.
My wife and I have been married twenty years, she has three daughters and I have three sons. They are all raised and out on their own. Through-out the years the two oldest,(step-daughters, her daughters) have endeavored to keep a seperatist mentality in our family relationships. My sons on the other hand love and respect their stepmother; this is starting to be damaged because my wife at this juncture in our marriage is starting to give in to the two older girls tactics of hurting our home, my sons are now becoming resentful towards her for showing the same seperatist mentality at this juncture in time. We have started getting counciling, but she (wife), is cold as ice, and I am getting very weary of the on-going struggle of getting any favor or approval from her or her girls. She refuses to take what she knows is the christian position. I don't know what to do any more. My sons are hurting, the stepdaughters don't care, what do I do?
In Topics:
Discipline and behavior challenges, Work/family balance, Blended families
> 60 days ago
What the Expert Says:
Additional Answers (1)
I am very sorry to hear that you and your wife are struggling in your marriage. This must be a very, very painful time for all of you.
I think it is an important first step that you and your wife have pursued counseling. It must be disappointing to get into a counseling session and experience your wife as "cold as ice." When one individual is uninterested or unwilling to "work" in counseling, it can render the process almost completely ineffective. Thus, I recommend that you spend some time in the next couple of sessions discussing with your wife what her goals are for counseling and the marriage. Does she wish to remain married? Is she willing to work on the process? As the old saying goes, "it takes two to tango", and she is most certainly contributing to the dynamic, and it will require change from both of you to change the course of the relationship. I am hopeful that she will recognize the necessity for her to open up to the process and get to work.
As for your experiences with your sons and stepdaughters, as you most likely know, it is very important that parents are united in their parenting. Although families are not a totalitarian government, the parents should be "on top" of the social hierarchy in terms of setting rules and limits. Problems arise when one parent sides with the children, excluding the other parent.
Once you and your wife are on the same page, I believe that the issue with the children will become easier to manage.
Good luck.
L. Compian, Ph.D.
Counseling Psychologist
Education.com
I think it is an important first step that you and your wife have pursued counseling. It must be disappointing to get into a counseling session and experience your wife as "cold as ice." When one individual is uninterested or unwilling to "work" in counseling, it can render the process almost completely ineffective. Thus, I recommend that you spend some time in the next couple of sessions discussing with your wife what her goals are for counseling and the marriage. Does she wish to remain married? Is she willing to work on the process? As the old saying goes, "it takes two to tango", and she is most certainly contributing to the dynamic, and it will require change from both of you to change the course of the relationship. I am hopeful that she will recognize the necessity for her to open up to the process and get to work.
As for your experiences with your sons and stepdaughters, as you most likely know, it is very important that parents are united in their parenting. Although families are not a totalitarian government, the parents should be "on top" of the social hierarchy in terms of setting rules and limits. Problems arise when one parent sides with the children, excluding the other parent.
Once you and your wife are on the same page, I believe that the issue with the children will become easier to manage.
Good luck.
L. Compian, Ph.D.
Counseling Psychologist
Education.com
> 60 days ago
