Plus asks:

How to deal with too much pressure from parents?

"I am a freshman in high school and I have extremely high parental stress from some grades. They think that I should have straight A's and B's. I have gotten some bad grades on some tests even though i tried my hardest nearly studying 3 hours the night before and not procrastinating. It seems like they hate me. They never want to talk to me anymore. Then they try to study with me, and i absolutely hate it. I want to be able to try things on my own. They always tell me how my night is going to be planned out, what subject to do first, I hate it. I get so much stress When I come home and have projects to do and assignments to finish, I blow them off because i am so burnt out over pressure. I really do not know how to deal with this! someone help."

Asked by Ryan after reviewing the article, "Too Much Pressure On Young Kids":
In Topics: School and Academics, Teen issues, Children and stress
> 60 days ago



Jan 28, 2010
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What the Expert Says:

Hi Ryan,

I am so glad that you are reaching out for some help and support on this very difficult subject. I know that there are many, many kids and teens who are in a similar position as you, and I am certain that they will also benefit from seeing your question and the responses you receive.

I have worked with a number of parents like your own who unintentionally put a great deal of pressure on their children to succeed academically. They tell me that they have so many fears and worries about their children being unhappy in life. They often equate a good job with being happy, assuming a good job can only be acquired with a degree from an ivy league college and straight As in high school. They want their children to be happy; oh, they want that so much! But, so much of it is out of their control (they can't jump into your brain and take the test for you!), so.... their care and concern for their child causes them to beg, plead, and pressure their children through every homework assignment, every test, every school project. This is tortuous for you and it is tough on them, as well.

I suggest that you schedule some time to talk with your parents (that should throw them for a loop - YOU making time to talk with THEM!). Sit down with them and let them know that you have given it a lot of thought, and you have decided that high school is going to be a very rough period if you all continue as you have been. Let them know that you are feeling very stressed and sad about school and the constant bickering has strained your relationship with them too much. Reassure them that you also want to do well academically, and you want to learn, but you feel that you can't do as well with them involving themselves in every aspect of your school life. Remind them that adolescence is a time of individuation (making an identity for yourself separate from your them), and you need to begin to learn the skills that will help you to be
successful in high school and college.

Next, recommend that you initiate a trial period (maybe, two weeks?) where you will be in charge of your homework and study time. Set ground rules for their involvement (e.g., you will come to them if you have a question about something or need some supplies). You can get your teachers in on it, and your teachers can provide feedback to your parents at the end of the trial period about how you have done with your homework and tests. Set their expectations and let them know that you won't be perfect, but you promise to be responsible.

If, for some reason, they don't want to agree to a trial period, suggest that you get a tutor to help you with homework once a week. Many families have found that the stress around homework is too much for parents to take on with their kids, and they have found it useful to delegate that "job" to a tutor.

Good luck in your negotiations with your parents. Given the initiative that you have shown in seeking help and support for this problem, I have little doubt that you will come to a healthy resolution with your parents.


Laura Kauffman, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist
JustAsk Expert
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Additional Answers (1)

GVNfamily writes:
u just start discussing other than study matters with them after coming from your institute like about your friends or like seminars in your institute.If they wont allow u to talk such matters just keep talking about your interests other than study.if they wont listen all that u just do one thing i.e;try to understand their intention.......about your life.............k
> 60 days ago

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