I want to thank you for posting your question, as I am certain that there are a large number of parents with similar questions who can learn from your post.

First, I want to commend you for your active and thoughtful involvement in your daughter's experience with technology. As you have observed children and teens are still learning the etiquette and consequences of their actions with technology, and unfortunately, they don't have the experience or awareness to always make the right decisions. Therefore, it is important to teach and talk with children about the appropriate uses of technology, enabling them to use it responsibly and independently later.

You asked some excellent, but tough questions about your daughter's motivation and thinking. I haven't met and spoken with your daughter, but my guess is that she, like many early adolescents, is craving attention and acceptance from her peers. This desire for acceptance sometimes outweighs better judgment and leads adolescents to make bad choices in the name of "fitting in." Appearance is growing in importance for early adolescents, and they want to be perceived as attractive to their peers. They begin to spend large amounts of time primping in front of the mirror, fret over their outfit each day, and girls begin to express a desire to wear makeup. Thus, I imagine a request from a boy for a picture of her was pretty darn tempting for your daughter. "Ah, he must like me and think I'm pretty if he wants a picture of me!"

I think that it is very interesting that your daughter sent another picture following the events of the last school year, and knowing that you regularly check her phone. I suspect that she is a little overwhelmed by her desires to fit in, growing interest in boys, stresses of the peer group, and she may have been *unconsciously* sending you a signal that she is having a difficult time. If you asked her, she wouldn't admit it, but I suspect there is a part of her that knows what she was doing was wrong. She is struggling with the feelings, and she probably thinks you won't "understand" or will be angry with her desires.

I would continue to check in with her (during down moments - in the car, before bed) and keep the pressure to talk low. I think that you will probably get a lot more traction if you let your daughter know that you do "get it", you know what it is like to have a crush on a boy, struggle with peer pressure. In my experience, children and teens LOVE hearing about their parents experiences as kids, and like to be reminded that their parents are human and have been through similar situations. You can say something like, "I have been thinking a lot about the whole cell phone thing, and it reminds me of when I was in school. [whatever the story is...] I had a big crush on this boy, blah, and I really wanted his attention... I know it is hard when you really like someone...."

Finally, if you daughter is not comfortable sharing with you, I recommend that you consider counseling for her. Get recommendations for counselors in your community from your friends and pediatrician or consider a community clinic in the are. Many counselors offer a sliding fee scale, so you pay only what you can afford.

Best wishes,

L. Compian, Ph.D.
Child Psychologist
Education.com